Serving my country. Serving it hard.

Fitzgerald Grant for president! (Of my pants!)

#Scandal

The Haves and the Have Nots

Honest breakup reasons: “Because seeing you write ‘must of’ is like anti-lube.”

Droppin’ science.

Goddamn right.

How to Respond to a Reporter Who Assumes You’re Not Smart (via Mayim Bialik’s Facebook page).

I get that the reporter was probably interviewing tons of people and can’t research them all, so I don’t think he was being deliberately sexist — I do think he may have asked the same question of any male actor from that show.

However, you ARE an entertainment reporter. This is just a casual interest of mine, not my JOB, and I knew she was a nerd ninja.

Stabdomen

Dear Uterus,

Oh, it’s like that? You can seriously and officially go fuck yourself.

No love whatsoever,
Smug

Olivia Pope is my power animal

Olivia: “You love her, she loves you. Normal people get married.”
Stephen: “You won’t even date.”
Olivia: “I’m not normal.”
— Scandal

Sometimes OkCupid is pretty awesome…

Beverage-based breakup reasons.

Honest breakup reasons…

“Because you’re a grown-ass man who drinks Crystal Light. You don’t have iced tea, goddammit, you have bullshit. There’s a reason the expression is ‘Gimme some sugar,’ not ‘Gimme some aspartame.'”

(And no, he didn’t have diabetes or anything, I checked.)

Gentleman Prefer Fatties

I’ve seen this floating around Facebook recently, and it annoys the piss out of me.First, Marilyn Monroe never said that. Google it, asshat — you’re Internetting wrong. “Size 0” wasn’t a thing in Marilyn’s day. That’s a relatively recent instrument of self-loathing.

Second, I don’t think I’m “ugly” because I’m not skinny. Not being skinny is what makes me feel FAT. (Plus, I understand biology — I will never be a size 0. I have boobs and hips, it’s just not meant to be. I usually feel fat because I’m not a size 8.) When I have the “I feel ugly” day, it’s because my face is stupid, my skin has gone rogue, and my hair is disloyal. (See also: Today. Today is actually a Fat/Ugly two-fer, like a Clinique bonus of self-hatred.)

Finally, OK, “society” is ugly. I understand that logically — we have warped and impossible standards of beauty. But is that supposed to make me feel better? You know I have to LIVE in “society” as an ugly fat-ass, right? Thanks, dick, for sharing this bullshit with your fatty-fat-fat Facebook friends in an effort to make us feel like we’re NOT hambeast trolls.

That’s like telling me I shouldn’t be frustrated that I live in Paris and don’t speak French. Sure, I can blame their “society,” but I’m not changing it. C’est la vie. Asshole.

Today’s OkCupid winner.

Do you think he was absent the day they went over irony?

Honest breakup reasons, Entertainment Edition

Honest breakup reasons:

“Because I can’t get past the fact that you hated Firefly.” / “Because I cannot accept that Jeff Dunham is your favorite comedian.”