Victoria’s Awkward Secret

I broke up with the last guy I “dated” shortly after Christmas. We broke up over the phone after a few weeks of not seeing each other. But I didn’t realize he’d bought me a gift, even though I’d told him not to. So he’d been texting me intermittently since then trying to arrange a time to give it to me, but the timing never worked out. I tried telling him to keep it, but he kept saying it wasn’t anything big and he wanted me to have it.

I stayed at a friend’s house this weekend, and got a text from the guy this morning asking if I was home. I said I wasn’t, and he said, “I was working in the neighborhood, so I left your Christmas gift outside your door.”

Ahem… “If it’s a severed head, I’m going to be very upset.”

I got home to find a gift bag with two cute little thoughtful things that, yes, were me-specific, and I could see where he just wanted them out of his house.

But then there was the gift card to Victoria’s Secret. Ummm…you probably could’ve kept that, sir. Much appreciated, really, but you do realize that if I use this to buy some lacy little thing, that’ll probably only benefit the NEXT guy, right? The “answering my door in lingerie” promotion is for current customers only.

Because I’m a weirdo, though, I’m using your money to buy a new sports bra. So I will think of you whenever I run and my breasts are neatly contained. (I’m a freak, and whatever I buy, I will always think, “He bought this for me.” So I can’t buy anything racy — it just feels weird.)

To be clear, I do feel like a dick about this whole situation, and I do appreciate him thinking of me. But you have to admit, the gift card was awkward.

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