OKStupid

Wait, what?

A nice, gentlemanly first message from someone on OKCupid?

I don’t understand. I mean, that sentence is clearly English, yet I don’t know how to process it.

Where are the overtures of buttsex with which I’m so familiar? Nothing about my vagina at all?

I think he’s a unicorn.

Or maybe he’s just being a gentleman and he’s saving the offer of anal for the second email. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Oh, and let me save y’all some time. Ahem…

“What are you doing on a dating site? You are emotionally fucked six ways to Sunday! You have intimacy, daddy, and trust issues — that’s the trifecta! You are destined to die alone and sexually frustrated. What the hell are you doing?!”

All valid concerns, and rest assured, I’ve been over them. Haven’t solved a one of ’em, but…um… The first step is admitting you have a problem?