“Your smile would be even prettier around my dick.”

I’m not trying to be an ass, but I don’t know how men expect me to respond when their first message to me on OKCupid just says “Beautiful,” or “Pretty smile,” and nothing else.

It’s flattering, sure, and thanks, I guess, but…it’s a dating site. You wouldn’t be talking to me if you didn’t think I was cute. What else ya got? Show your work.

This isn’t conceit, by any stretch. It’s actually the opposite — I’m just no longer surprised when men find me attractive. Especially the kind of sketchy, monosyllabic fucks from whom these messages generally originate. I’ve been whistled at at the grocery store when I’m rocking dirty hair, baggy jeans, and a giant sweatshirt — some men have different standards of beauty than I do. I’m not hideous or anything; I clean up OK. But yeah, I’m gonna need more than “Beautiful,” and more than a word or two. Anything that focuses solely on appearance always reads to me like that Chris Rock bit about offering dick:

“Beautiful. (Can I offer you some dick?)”
“Pretty smile. (How ’bout some dick?)”

It’s fine, I suppose, if that’s what you’re on the site for, but that’s not why I’m there. (I don’t know WHY I’m there, exactly, other than blog fodder, but I know I’m not there for casual dalliances with the inarticulate.)

(Also, remind me if I ever write a book to title it “Casual Dalliances with the Inarticulate.” That’s some Sedaris shit, right there.)

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