I am quite certain I have NO idea what you’re talking about…

Wisdom

Morning penetration.

So happy to FINALLY be getting both cavities drilled hard.

What?

Ew! I’m at the dentist, you fucking perverts!

We already knew I was going to hell…

Quotable: “He’s a good Christian boy, so he won’t come home with me. Well, unless I’m willing to do anal.”

“C is for Coitus. That’s good enough for me.”

Friend: “Sesame Street has an O Show. O is Oprah and she’s giving out oboes. ‘You get an oboe! You get an oboe!'”

Me: “This went to a place in my brain that is inappropriate for Sesame Street. But on the pervy shady side streets? You get an O-face.”

Friend: “You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm!”

You guys… Gross, can you imagine?

Maybe that’s why Guy was so Smiley.

Seven deadly Sundays.

Ate, drank, AND masturbated my feelings. Solid Sunday.

And hell, 9 pm? I’ll just stay in bed at this point. It’s cozy here.

#SnugSingleton

“Haaaaave you met Smug?”

Friend: “It’s a shame you can’t date my friend Steve. He’s really sweet and such a gentleman. But he lives in Boston, so he only visits once in a while.”

Me: “Oh, you mean he could come here, fuck me, and then go away? I’d only have to get pretty and shave every couple months? Boo hoo, that sounds terrible. BRING HIM TO ME!”

Pumking of the World!

I don’t plan on embracing this is a lifestyle or anything, but man, when you’re drunk? Everything does seem a little easier.

In related news, Southern Tier Pumking tastes like autumn came in my mouth.

I have found my soulmate. Someone bring him to me.

“Foreplay is like mozzarella sticks. The more you think about it, the more apt it is.”

I am in love with this man.

Via Cosmo UK: 12 Sex Things Men Really Don’t Give a Crap About

Via Tumblr…