Here I go agaaaaaaiiiiinnnnn…

At least I was merely adorably disheveled and visibly fiending for coffee when I encountered an attractive man in the office kitchen first thing this morning. And I smell good, and my cleavage is on point. So I wasn’t the messiest of hot messes. 

But we’ll just ignore that my clothes fit weird today and my hair is a Whitesnake video.

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Bare butts and blasphemy

My parents just showed up for an unannounced visit. They haven’t seen any of the places I’ve lived in for probably 10 years — we are not an “unannounced visit” kind of family.

This may be the only time in my life I’ve ever regretted not being into elaborate S&M scenarios with randos I meet on Tinder.

“Oh, hey, Parents! This is Ben and that’s Kyle. That’s Steve over there in the swing, and that’s Todd in the corner — he just likes to watch. Check this out, I got these fuzzy cuffs special for Handcuff Sunday. What, you guys do Saturdays? Yeah, we like the bonus blasphemy of the Lord’s day. It really adds something, right, Todd?”

Dude. It’s my day off. I’m wearing pajama pants with no underwear and haven’t brushed my teeth yet.

But hey, thanks for presuming I’d be home alone — much appreciated. (Yes, I AM, but I’m not always! Give me some credit!)

“If you’re savvy, you’ll know what I’m tryin’ to say…”

Headline on Google News: “Six Phrases More Important than ‘I Love You.'”

Hmm…

1. “You look great today.”
2. “I brought you coffee.”
3. “I’ll keep going until you’re satisfied.”
4. “I’ll leave you alone to watch ‘Scandal.'”
5. “I cleaned up the house a bit.”
6. “Let’s get some pancakes.”

My needs are simple.

Sweet Cherry Pie

I had my annual lady exam this morning, and this time chose to have it done at Planned Parenthood. I figured letting them bill my health insurance for basic care would be far more helpful than that broke-ass $25 I donated. Run alllll the tests!

They did a really quick HIV test, just a finger stick, that came back negative before I was done my visit. (Good work, Science!) And I got to swab my own vagina for the chlamydia/gonorrhea test, so that was a fun little “choose your own adventure” for my lady-bits.

And just as a finishing figure of speech, when she was done the exam, the doctor said, “OK, beautiful!” Which is a lovely thing to think of your vagina. My business is showroom tight, y’all.

Anyway. I am infinitely amused that this all took place on National Cherry Pie Day, AND it’s Friday, so obviously we should all be gearing up for the weekend by rocking to shitty 1990 jams.

“Tastes so good, make a grown man cry…” Goddamn right.

Happy weekend, you guys. Have some cherry pie — metaphorical, literal, or hopefully both.

Self-improvement via self-hatred

Note to self: LinkedIn is not a dating site. Stop being weird.

Also, it’s totally uncool to skip book club because there’s no one in the group you want to make out with. Get some culture, quit being an asshole.