Body shaming. Now in a convenient Snack Pack!

Talking to Male BFF…

Me: “I look better with clothes on. When I’m naked I look like a vat of vanilla pudding.”

MBFF: “[thinking]…There’s really no appropriate response for me here, is there?”

Me: “Nah, probably not.”

I realize it’s wrong that I’m aroused by this. 

“And what happened then? Well, in Smugville they say, that her ladyboner for Larry Wilmore grew three sizes that day.”

Via The Mary Sue: Larry Wilmore Reminds College Bros That Sexual Assault Isn’t “Satire” on The Nightly Show

Quotable “Cool Girl”

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

Gone Girl

In honor of Hump Day…

Friend: “I’m reading an essay on Britney Spears (don’t you judge me) and I don’t think I’d ever seen the cover to ‘Oops, I Did It Again.’ She’s got a cameltoe about four blocks long.” 

Me: “I’d never seen it, either, but Jesus Christ, I just Googled it. You’re not wrong. Those lips are more prominent than the ones on her face.”

Friend: “I feel I may have done myself a disservice by not delving deeper (heh) into her oeuvre (heh).”

Me: “I can’t believe we’re adults.”

Upon further reflection, I think an underappreciated benchmark of adulthood may be working the word “oeuvre” into a cameltoe joke. That’s craft, right there.

“An itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face…”

Ahem. I’ll just leave this here… 

Men Are Totally Hardwired by Evolution to Prefer Curvy Women, Study Finds

BTW, I have nothing against thin women. We are all lovely — sisterhood, rah rah, etc. I just enjoy the notion that BEING chubby CAUSES chubbies, that it’s part of evolution. That’s delightful. Good work, Science!

Also, I mean… I do like big butts. I cannot lie.

It kinda sucks that, according to this article, I’m wasting perfectly good childbearing hips by not procreating, but I’m kind of OK with that.


Re-blog: Good Luck, Chucklefuck.

I don’t know how it’s even possible that I’ve never thought to say “chucklefuck” before, but I plan to remedy that immediately. 

Thank you, The Mary Sue. 

(Also, ew.) 

College Baseball Player Kicked Off Team for Tweeting Sexual Slur About Mo’Ne Davis

“Girls, what’s my weakness? Men! OK, then…”

Honest opening lines:

“Hello. Something about you has had a tangible effect on my nether regions, but I’m trying to be a lady about it so you’ll at least text me in the morning.”

The Hardy Boys and the Hoarder Gnomes

This is from a Tumblr I follow, and YES. 

“What IS all this stuff and who put it here?”

“You live by yourself, dummy. YOU put it here.”

“That’s absurd. It was gnomes. Hoarder gnomes. Sneaky little fuckers.”