I am nothing if not polite.

Well… I mean, I guess it’d be rude of me to not at least TRY Netflix’s “Top Picks for Smug…”  

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“I’ll show YOU how valuable Elle Woods can be.”

“If you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life…you’re not the girl I thought you were.”
— Professor Stromwell, Legally Blonde

What I Know for Sure

Things I know about men: Be nice to their penis. Figure out what they like during sex and do it. They also like food. 

Things I do not know about men: Whether the guy asking me about the office coffee is just chatty, or hitting on me. 

(If he’s hitting on me, score, because I look like a bag of hell today. I get cuter, sir. Come back tomorrow.)

Don Draper would never mislead me this way! Oh. Wait…

As readily as I will buy whatever Christina Hendricks tells me to (Johnnie Walker for life!), if this transformation was achieved with a DIY home hair color, I am a Christian supermodel.

Aural fixation 

Bwah ha ha… Added to my reading list!   

God help me if it’s a bad narrator. Is there any way we could get Stephen Colbert to read this one to me? Maybe Chris Noth? Scott Foley? My vagina is oddly particular about voices — this isn’t gonna work for me if the narrator says “supposably.”

(If it has to be a woman, maybe Kerry Washington? My orgasm would get HANDLED.)