I am nothing if not polite.

Well… I mean, I guess it’d be rude of me to not at least TRY Netflix’s “Top Picks for Smug…”  


“I’ll show YOU how valuable Elle Woods can be.”

“If you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life…you’re not the girl I thought you were.”
— Professor Stromwell, Legally Blonde

What I Know for Sure

Things I know about men: Be nice to their penis. Figure out what they like during sex and do it. They also like food. 

Things I do not know about men: Whether the guy asking me about the office coffee is just chatty, or hitting on me. 

(If he’s hitting on me, score, because I look like a bag of hell today. I get cuter, sir. Come back tomorrow.)

Don Draper would never mislead me this way! Oh. Wait…

As readily as I will buy whatever Christina Hendricks tells me to (Johnnie Walker for life!), if this transformation was achieved with a DIY home hair color, I am a Christian supermodel.

Aural fixation 

Bwah ha ha… Added to my reading list!   

God help me if it’s a bad narrator. Is there any way we could get Stephen Colbert to read this one to me? Maybe Chris Noth? Scott Foley? My vagina is oddly particular about voices — this isn’t gonna work for me if the narrator says “supposably.”

(If it has to be a woman, maybe Kerry Washington? My orgasm would get HANDLED.)