White trash reco’nize white trash. 

I saw a white-trash hoodrat outside a convenience store, and he was wearing a Nike shirt that said, “Damn, I’m good.”

First thought: “I bet you’re not.”

Second thought: “At what, evading child support?” 

I’m going to hell. 

“How YOU doin’?”

A happy bonus of working in a huge office complex is that, walking through the halls, I often see new people who work in other offices.

New, sexy people. With penises.

And sometimes I see them on casual Friday, when I did realize how clingy my outfit is, but it was too late to change it, so, “Hello, sir. Please behold all the best bits of my body — an hourglass with just the right amount of extra sand in it.” (“Allllll the right junk in allllll the right places.”)

I love my job.

Friendship Friday! (Shut up, it’s totally a thing.)

Happy Friday, people!

And thanks be, as always, to my bestests. I couldn’t surround myself with a more amazing and supportive group of friends. MAYBE if one of y’all had a unicorn or worked for a book publisher. But you’re still pretty goddamn great, so please enjoy this lunchtime dance party.

“I was so lost back then, but with a little help from my friends, I found a light in the tunnel at the end…”

Basic physics for basic bitches. 

Goddammit. 

I’m not in my 20s, so apparently I just talk like an asshole.

Via Huffington Post: On Inside Amy Schumer, Bill Nye Confirms The Universe Exists To Guide White Women In Their 20s: