This is a shitty quality video, but Aisha Tyler dressed up as Beyoncé and lip synched “Single Ladies” and it’s the only video I could find of the whole thing and I HATE that song, but regardless, I am slightly more in love with her now.
There are women who WANT a ring on it who don’t love this as much as I do.
Carry on.
You say “day drinking my feelings” like it’s a BAD thing.
#FamilyTime
#TherapyIsDandyButLiquorIsQuicker
#CheeseIsAlsoHelping
Speaking of working past perfectly good elements of pop culture weighed down by the emotion I associate with them…
Last night I found myself caught off-guard when I saw this new Apple ad during Scandal, featuring an older song I’d been avoiding pretty successfully.
A million years ago, I teased a man in the most delicious way for the duration of this song after he told me it made him think of me.
“You gonna go your whole life scared of that song? It’s just a song. Don’t make it a monster.”*
I’m playing it in full now, because suck it, fuckface — it was my song first.
*Quote from Silver Linings Playbook
Charlie Brown really was “friends” with mostly assholes.
Linus just learned not to fuck with a woman and her candy.
Sally, meanwhile, got her first bit of tragic foreshadowing re: men disappointing her.
Relationship Recovery Test #873: Can I FINALLY stop avoiding “The Great Pumpkin” and watch it without having an emotional breakdown…?
Via BPhope: Opening the door on hypersexuality:
I don’t have bipolar. Or, if I do, it’s a really shitty bipolar — they’re still working out my special-snowflake nomenclature. (I tried making “White Trash Bipolar” happen, but oddly, they don’t want that in the DSM.) But it hadn’t occurred to me until I read this that a) none of the doctors I’ve been to have asked about any sexual behaviors at all, or that b) it might even be related.
And I can’t say I talk about my vagina online and regret the entirety of 2013 and slut-shame myself because it’s NOT a factor. (JUST a factor, like I’m not trying to say I have this, either.)
I have friends tell me they could GET me “just sex,” but that they won’t, because it’s not really what I want and I’ll make it a Thing and feel bad about myself and they don’t want to hear it. But I still do consider bringing in a stunt dick to scratch that particular itch. My friends are right, though — I’d need some kind of daily therapy lightning round if I did, and I can’t afford that, so… tense and pent-up it is!
*twitch* No, really. It’s fine…
*slow clap*
I am done giving even one underage fuck about this asshole.
#TeamQuiznos
#NoWaitQuiznosIsAlsoGross
#ButAtLeastItsNotMolesty
#StatutorySandwiches
#SorryImDoneNow
Two friends took me shopping the other day because I am SHIT at dressing myself, and they advised me to (ie, made me) try on this dress.
“I look like I’m wearing an Amish person’s pillowcase!”
“You look amazing, shut up. You’re buying this dress, deal with it.”
I wore it to work today and have been complimented multiple times — all by women. Even if logic says it’s POSSIBLE every straight dude in this building wants to bend me over their desk and plant their dicks under the dress like you’d plant a flag on a newly discovered planet, but can’t say so because it’s a workplace, I maintain that it’s because I look square and sexless.
But it’s basically a giant t-shirt, so whatever. It’s better than wearing pants. And I definitely have…let’s say “a lot more invested in the dress” than the model.
This is the greatest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. This woman is my new spirit animal.
But I need to go to Canada and show her what real pizza — and thus true love — is. That pizza doesn’t love you, Nicole. That pizza will betray you.
P.S. I didn’t even notice it said “shero,” because it was just too gloriously much at first, but really, that shit needs to stop. She’s a hero. That’s the word. Knock it off.
“2 a.m. and I’m still awake writing a song,
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd,
‘Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.”
TONIGHT.
SO.
EXCITED.
I’m gonna need more eye makeup. (Or, um, ANY eye makeup, because I usually don’t bother — that’s some shit the Real Women do.)
Smug Singleton 