That time I damned myself to hell before noon.

I asked my mother what I could bring to Christmas dinner, maybe a dessert or wine, and she said, “No worries, we’re all set for food, and we have enough to drink — there’s water and soda and juice.”

Oh. Oh, honey. Is it GIN and juice? Is there grape drank? (That’s what those Sunny D commercials meant by “purple stuff,” let’s be honest.)

See, I can’t get through Christmas with that big fake smile on my face without mixing pills and alcohol, Karen Walker style. Besides, if you read The Bible, you’ll learn Jesus turned water into wine because He WANTED us to be half in the bag on His birthday.

Jesus was a partier. Fact. He didn’t go all in with hats and streamers and all that, because that’s just excess, but He could knock back goblets of His own blood like nobody’s business.

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2 thoughts on “That time I damned myself to hell before noon.

  1. Jesus would surely tell you to bring wine. Not only is it his birthday, this is a man who had to turn water into wine because someone couldn’t plan their party properly. Pretty sure He doesn’t want to have to pull that trick at EVERY party. (And clearly his mother agrees with you, cause she’s the one who asked him to do it in the first place.)

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