Eeeeewwwwwww!
At the same time…respect…
Via Decider: 
P.S. I saw a link for a porn parody of this over the weekend, but could not bring myself to click to watch Fuller Holes, even under the guise of “research.”
So, hey…
Remember that time I liked an OkCupid guy enough to talk on the phone?
And how he mentioned his teeth were “fake,” and I thought, “Oh, he probably has veneers. Those look so natural, dentistry is amazing. Tra la la…?”
And how later we got to talking about oral sex (as you do), and he said he’s been told he’s great at it because he has “more room to open up and maneuver around?”
And then how my brain doubled back and I ventured, “Do you mean you take…the teeth out…when you…?”
And how he was just like, “Yeah!,” as if “gummilingus” were the hot new thing in the latest Cosmo and I was totally behind the times?
And then how I died? Remember that? REMEMBER HOW I DIED?
Man. Good times.
That is all true. I could not make that up. Fucking Chuck Palahniuk couldn’t make that up.
I need to go take 600 boiling hot showers, and then surely there’s some fancy spa treatment where you sit all day in a vat of Purell? Right. Shut up and take my credit card, and let us never speak of this again.
I’m really not informed enough to comment on any racism or sexism that did or did not lead to this decision.
But the racism and sexism I saw while reading about it online were goddamn vile and disgusting.
Via CNN: Melissa Harris-Perry ‘highly unlikely’ to return to MSNBC
I didn’t always agree with her, but I liked that show because it was a different perspective from all the white dudes they’re focusing on. Plus, having seen the rest of their programming, there’s really quite enough “breaking election news” without ditching your weekend morning hosts to make it a complete, 24-hour circle jerk. What, you need to pre-empt your Sunday shows to report that Donald Trump pooped and what that might mean for his Super Tuesday numbers?
I feel guilty and shallow about how much it’s changed my life to learn I can pop into a Hair Cuttery at lunchtime, give a nice lady $20, and she will wash my raggedy hair, take the 9 hours necessary to blowdry it all, and make it way prettier than I ever do.
But it IS pretty goddamn delightful. Good work, America. (FUCK, YEAH!)
I am so aroused by this that I’m blushing while watching it at work. I’m actually uncomfortable and a little squirmy.
Shut up.
Colbert doesn’t get involved until about 3:10, but Jesus God, he’s, like, gasping and breathing heavy and I might need to go take care of a few things…with a mop…
Judging by my reaction to hearing it through headphones, if he got breathy even remotely near my ear in person, I would lose my goddamn mind. #truthiness
I realize I’m ageist, but I think there’s an age limit for using the term “friends with benefits.” I haven’t pinpointed the specifics, but I think it’s before age 50.
I’m 40 and only say it jokingly. I also hate it, because at least half the people offering it want ONLY the benefits, but think they’ll have better luck with the LADIES if they dress it up with a cute little bow.
Theory: You can’t say “FWB” once you’re getting mail from the AARP. That’s…the rules of abbreviations.
Also, I don’t know if anyone said that phrase before Alanis Morissette, but that’s not what she meant, shitheel.
This reflection brought to you by a 54-year-old man on OkCupid, username “Just_Discreet_FWB,” sending me three messages in less than 24 hours, either not remembering or not caring that he’s messaged me twice before. I am clearly memorable. Either that or he’s just old and can’t keep track.
P.S. I’m not hating on 54. I’d get on 54. But THIS 54-year-old has the ick on him.
A guy’s OkCupid profile quoted Mitch Hedberg twice without attribution.
I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…
I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…
I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…
His profile says he’s “inspired” by comedians. Um, no, dude, you’re just stealing shit, and trying way too hard to be clever. I can FEEL the “Aren’t I cute and clever?”* desperation emanating from his profile. (I know my own.)
*George Carlin, by the way.
Sage advice from a friend on the STI front: “You’re already going into this with your eyes open; now it’s just if your legs are open, too.”
I told the guy I couldn’t meet him until I got tested, with a remarkable number of apologetic qualifiers for telling a man that sex with him may not be worth the risk of going the rest of my life with a disclaimer on my vagina. (“Not a big deal” depends who you ask. I will ask a doctor and go from there.)
I said if he didn’t want to meet me, I’d understand, but he said HE understood and would meet me when I was ready. Later, he called me sexy, smart, and quick, so you can see why I’m trying so hard to ride this particular unicorn.
He’s actually so good on paper that I’m worried it’s a trap. Like, am I the only woman who didn’t immediately say “no” to this? How is he saying everything I need to hear? Is that instinct honed from years of practice on various conquests he’s humped and dumped? Is he, like, 70 years old? (He’s not, I stalked his Facebook. Don’t judge me, that’s HIS fault. There’s a reason MY personal account is locked down — all you get is photos of sunsets and the profile pic they make you leave public.)
But in the meantime, another friend sent me this article/podcast, should you wish to read/hear more on the matter.
I may have to cancel my other date, because as it turns out, I may not be sexually frustrated ENOUGH to hook up with an open-married man with herpes simplex 1 (the cold sore kind).
Womp, womp.
I’m actually bummed about this. He was my first online dating spark and I was looking forward to meeting, kissing, and eventually sleeping with him. Understand how MUCH I was looking forward to it, because I’m actually debating, “What are the odds I already have/will get this?”If this were any other guy, it’d be a Fadeaway tout suite. But Dude was willing to go out to dinner with me, fuck me, then LEAVE, and he’s not an idiot. THAT’S THE DREAM.
Obviously I’m glad he told me, and I’m going to get my own full STI screen. Who the hell knows, maybe I already have it — you can get it a million different (non-sexual) ways and never show symptoms. If I DO…well, the bright side is that sex is on. But if I don’t, I don’t want to go through the rest of my life disclosing this to potential partners and boyfriends because I had casual sex with a married guy.
It’s interesting: I polled a few friends about this and got divided responses. Some people said, “Eh. No big deal, everyone has it,” and others were like, “No. That’s some soulmate shit, not something you want to get from a married fling.”
One friend said I was “Chandlering,” a nod to Chandler Bing from Friends, who used reasons like “mascara goop” and giant heads as excuses not to date women because he was afraid. I AM afraid, but truly believe I haven’t rejected anyone for the male equivalent of “mascara goop.” I’m waiting for a decent bit of chemistry, someone worth shaving my legs for, and genuinely haven’t had it until now. Also, Chandler’s romantic issues ended with one of the top 5 best marriage proposals in TV history, so if I AM Chandler, I’ll take it.
In researching this, I’ve learned a lot of places don’t screen for herpes as part of a routine STI test — you can add it to the standard test, or you can test for it separately. So I’ve had “an STI test,” but I think the woman said those screen only for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. So… “The more you know… *brrrrring*”
I’ve also learned that Googling “herpes” will make you never want to have sex again, and that getting tested for STIs is a tremendous pain in the balls: my insurance won’t cover testing at Planned Parenthood, and I can’t get a gyno appointment until April. Can’t they add this to CVS’s Minute Clinic services? It seems pretty important.
Also, it is not at all weird that my personal Facebook, not connected to OkCupid in any way, suggested I add Hot Married Guy as a friend. But damn, he’s cute… Goddammit…
I’ve been talking to other “open relationship” guys on OkCupid, because apparently I’m open-minded now (?), and motherFUCK me — leave it to me to find a Clinger in an open relationship.
How are you texting me every day, morning and night? Go text your main Bunny, Hef. The point of me exploring this option was that I wouldn’t meet clingy people. How have you pushed a potential sidepiece to my “Please stop talking” threshold in less than 4 days? Do you have to have the open relationship because you talk too much for one woman to handle?
I get the sense his lady has had more success with this setup than he has.
He asked if I was OK because my most recent texts haven’t been as enthusiastic or flirtatious, so I mentioned I was at work, and still debating if I can handle the open relationship.
He’s still talking, “joking” that it’s OK if I just want to be friends, but that I’ll change my mind when I meet him.
OK, Karma, you’ve made your point: I behaved like a desperate, slutty Clinger with That Guy. I realized that on my own, and have tried to adjust accordingly, even with friends (minus the “slutty” bit). Are we done here?
And good work, dude — congrats on being the reason I go back to giving people a Google Voice number instead of my real one.
Thankfully there’s still another open-married guy. Hee. We like him — he’s dreamy and wants to go down on me. I’ll have to name him. Probably, like…”Matt Trimony.” Heh. I’m clever.
Smug Singleton 