As if “Fuller House” weren’t appalling enough…

Eeeeewwwwwww!

At the same time…respect… 

Via Decider 

P.S. I saw a link for a porn parody of this over the weekend, but could not bring myself to click to watch Fuller Holes, even under the guise of “research.”

Fixodent and NEVER forget it (no matter how hard you try)

So, hey…

Remember that time I liked an OkCupid guy enough to talk on the phone? 

And how he mentioned his teeth were “fake,” and I thought, “Oh, he probably has veneers. Those look so natural, dentistry is amazing. Tra la la…?”

And how later we got to talking about oral sex (as you do), and he said he’s been told he’s great at it because he has “more room to open up and maneuver around?”

And then how my brain doubled back and I ventured, “Do you mean you take…the teeth out…when you…?”

And how he was just like, “Yeah!,” as if “gummilingus” were the hot new thing in the latest Cosmo and I was totally behind the times?

And then how I died? Remember that? REMEMBER HOW I DIED?

Man. Good times.

That is all true. I could not make that up. Fucking Chuck Palahniuk couldn’t make that up.

I need to go take 600 boiling hot showers, and then surely there’s some fancy spa treatment where you sit all day in a vat of Purell? Right. Shut up and take my credit card, and let us never speak of this again.

Decidedly not pretty fly for white guys

I’m really not informed enough to comment on any racism or sexism that did or did not lead to this decision.

But the racism and sexism I saw while reading about it online were goddamn vile and disgusting. 

Via CNN: Melissa Harris-Perry ‘highly unlikely’ to return to MSNBC 

I didn’t always agree with her, but I liked that show because it was a different perspective from all the white dudes they’re focusing on. Plus, having seen the rest of their programming, there’s really quite enough “breaking election news” without ditching your weekend morning hosts to make it a complete, 24-hour circle jerk. What, you need to pre-empt your Sunday shows to report that Donald Trump pooped and what that might mean for his Super Tuesday numbers?

Pretty Pretty Patriot/Freedom Hair

I feel guilty and shallow about how much it’s changed my life to learn I can pop into a Hair Cuttery at lunchtime, give a nice lady $20, and she will wash my raggedy hair, take the 9 hours necessary to blowdry it all, and make it way prettier than I ever do.

But it IS pretty goddamn delightful. Good work, America. (FUCK, YEAH!)

Stephen Colbert can report from my pants

I am so aroused by this that I’m blushing while watching it at work. I’m actually uncomfortable and a little squirmy.

Shut up.

Colbert doesn’t get involved until about 3:10, but Jesus God, he’s, like, gasping and breathing heavy and I might need to go take care of a few things…with a mop…

Judging by my reaction to hearing it through headphones, if he got breathy even remotely near my ear in person, I would lose my goddamn mind. #truthiness

The limit DOES exist.

I realize I’m ageist, but I think there’s an age limit for using the term “friends with benefits.” I haven’t pinpointed the specifics, but I think it’s before age 50.

I’m 40 and only say it jokingly. I also hate it, because at least half the people offering it want ONLY the benefits, but think they’ll have better luck with the LADIES if they dress it up with a cute little bow.

Theory: You can’t say “FWB” once you’re getting mail from the AARP. That’s…the rules of abbreviations.

Also, I don’t know if anyone said that phrase before Alanis Morissette, but that’s not what she meant, shitheel.

This reflection brought to you by a 54-year-old man on OkCupid, username “Just_Discreet_FWB,” sending me three messages in less than 24 hours, either not remembering or not caring that he’s messaged me twice before. I am clearly memorable. Either that or he’s just old and can’t keep track.

P.S. I’m not hating on 54. I’d get on 54. But THIS 54-year-old has the ick on him.

Your plagiarism dries my panties.

A guy’s OkCupid profile quoted Mitch Hedberg twice without attribution.

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

His profile says he’s “inspired” by comedians. Um, no, dude, you’re just stealing shit, and trying way too hard to be clever. I can FEEL the “Aren’t I cute and clever?”* desperation emanating from his profile. (I know my own.)

*George Carlin, by the way.