“Naw, man. Naw. Shit, naw, man…”

Today’s OkCupid intro message winner, from a 22-year-old: “Milf or nawwwww?”

That was the entire message.

I have questions.

I’m not an “M,” no. But how the shit am I supposed to know if I’m the “ILF?” How do I know who YOU’D like to fuck?

Or is that your whole thing, that you don’t want to fuck me UNLESS I’ve log-flumed a person out of my body? That’s pretty messed up if you only want to get in vaginas that babies came out of. I try not to push therapy on everyone, but damn, Oedipus, you should speak to someone.

Or am I SO old that I’m just out of touch with you young people and your vernacular, and “MILF” has come to include any of us lascivious Mrs. Robinson types into whom you want to smash your post-adolescent, quick-draw, Miller-Lite-limpened dick after your frat house beer pong tournament?

Confession: After all that, I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m most offended by the “nawwwww.”

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