Masturbation consternation

I was aiming for a quiet, post-work communion with my soulmate, Nachos. But then I saw this, and it was an emergency “Stop, drop, and write” situation. (Not joking: I’m still dressed in work clothes, flopped in dismay on the living room floor, writing this on my phone.) 

Ahem. Ready?

OkCupid tells me I’m an 86% match for a guy whose profile says ONLY that he wants a woman who’ll watch him jerk off (“JO,” to be exact) on Skype. He assures the reader he’s good at holding out, and will finish only when she tells him to.

To his chivalrous credit, he does say he’d also do it in person. *swoon* But he lives in Lahaska, PA, about an hour ass-far north of Philadelphia. Why would I drive that far to watch a guy masturbate? (I love that my first concern is the commute.)

Also, there are no photos in his profile of his face or of his penis — just his fully clothed midsection with a hand resting on his pants-covered junk. How can I possibly know if I’d want to see you do this? I’m sure he’d send them if I asked, but I’m not talking to a dude who’s requesting this and then saying he’s “not physically perfect.” That’s code for “I’m about to watch him wrestle a small and noncommittal dick, possibly in his mother’s basement.”

Would I get to watch his face as well, or is it just a penile situation? Not getting to see his face wouldn’t really do much for me…just a dick gone rogue…

Can it progress to sex? Or are you just looking to indulge that one aspect?

Can I masturbate, too? Or do I have just watch you and then… go home? Do I get anything in return? I know you’ll finish when I tell you to, but that doesn’t feel like enough incentive for me to contact you sight unseen and be like, “Hell. YES. Let’s do this, studhorse.” If I asked nicely, I could probably watch any guy I date masturbate. Then I’d get to see his face when he finishes, and we could go get pizza or something.

I wouldn’t even LET you come, asshat. You should suffer for not being more forthcoming…tee hee…

Honestly, I wouldn’t mind watching a guy pleasure himself once in a while if that’s what worked for him. I’d get to see how he likes to be touched, and I can understand how that’s a kink. I wouldn’t mind being watched, but frankly I can masturbate alone, so you’d best step in eventually. But it’s SUCH a specific thing to create a whole online dating profile for. That’s ALL it says, that he wants to jerk off for a woman. Not even ON — FOR.

I should commend him for pursuing his dream, really.

But wow, you really CAN find anything on the Internet.

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3 thoughts on “Masturbation consternation

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