Guys. Guys. Help. I’m having a seizure. Send pie. (Pie helps seizures, right? That’s medicine?)
For context, my OkCupid profile does reference axe murderers and a dress I should’ve bought. What? What do YOU say to prospective suitors?
First message:
“Hi Smug! I’m Bill. Just wanted to Drop a little Hello read your Profile you sound like a Sweetheart. I wanted to tell you I’m Not a Axe Murderer lol. Love your Music taste Especially the Country thing gotta Love It!!!! Your Photos, Yes you should have bought the Dress you look Really Good in it! Go back and Buy it you look Confident and Proud. Hope your having a Good day if you’d like to say hello Please feel free I’d love to Chat. Enjoy the Rest of your Day!!!! Thanks for your time!!!!!!
Bill”
What in the name of the actual fuck?
This is what I get for liking country music, isn’t it?
Smug Singleton 
What is up with the random Capitals? Sorry. I can’t. Even just that is making me twitchy. (For some reason that bugs me way more than e e cummings style no caps.)
It is. I was going to detail it all but I couldn’t handle it.
There was more? *backs away slowly*
Multiple exclamation points, run-on sentences, terrible overall punctuation.
Yeah, I was too hung up on the random caps of tenuous sanity to really take in the rest.