“No worries. If you miss the O train, it’ll come again in 5 minutes or so.”

Pro tip: If your OkCupid username is “fun_not_long,” my brain goes to the filthiest and most unflattering place possible for you.

Yeah, yeah, “size doesn’t matter” — tell that to the guy I dated who was SO secure in that notion that he brought a compensatory Magic Wand* to our FIRST (and only) sexual encounter.

Digression 1: I was not at all displeased with the Magic Wand — it’s named that for a reason. If I didn’t already own two pricey sex toys that get the job done just fine, with a portion of my forthcoming (heh) tax refund earmarked for a third because it looks SUPER fun, I’d be all over (heh) the Magic Wand.

Digression 2: Now my brain is wandering to memories of that Magic Wand experience (my first), during which I learned about orgasm denial, and why it’s a thing. A thing that man was impressively skilled at doing to me. A thing I wish he hadn’t just decided to DO to me without warning the first time we slept together, because I was ready to murder him, but a thing that worked out incredibly well for me in the end. I have no idea how he could tell when I was JUST about to, or if it was just a lucky guess, but damn. Dude was like the Orgasm Whisperer. 

Digression 3: This is not a good train of thought at work. Though my mental image of said train barreling full-speed through a tiny, tense tunnel is a hilarious metaphor.


*I linked to the Walmart site only because I am infinitely amused you can buy it there.

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