Wax on, whacks off

Re: @yvettestjames blowjob class: “I already knew HOW, but it’s like knowing how to fight & then getting a chance to train with Mr. Miyagi.”

Better living through blowjobs

There was a woman in the blowjob class who brought along a notebook that said on the front, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

That’s probably totally what Ghandi had in mind.

Growing and blowing

Tonight I’m going to learn how to put a condom on a banana using my mouth. So… My Friday night is probably gonna be different than most.

“How do you expect me to grow if you won’t let me blow?”

P.M.S. P.S.

The P.S. on an email to friends about all my special feeeeelings:

“I’m also menstruating, so kindly accept this grain of salt. Just a grain, though — I’ll bite your goddamn hand off if you take my salt.”

“I can see clearly now, the Crazy’s gone…”

Listen HERE, world. I only go to therapy every other week, so dumb family shit that’s going to eat my brain until vodka makes it stop can’t happen during off weeks.

It’s not even worth detailing because they’re SUCH stupid conversations, but did you ever have a mundane discussion with your family that just crawls under your skin and colonizes? Yesterday with Dad, today with Mom — almost as if they’d tagged in and out.

Remind me again, WHY don’t I just send the therapy bills to my parents? Wait, what? “Owning my issues because I’m a grown-ass lady?” That doesn’t sound like me at all.

I’m so grateful to have so many influences outside my family. And for the therapist. SO MUCH FOR THE THERAPIST. (And obviously for my willing/ableness to work and tell heredity to go fuck itself.)

*deep breath*

“Fuck you. Fuck you very, very muuuch…”

Earlier I wondered if I’m walking around all Bitchface McIrritable at work today because I have PMS.

And then I saw this, got viciously angry, then weepy-sad, so… that answers that.

My body image has been hovering around decent lately, so I’m pissed this got to me, but Christ, this is what *I* look like, just shorter. People are fucking awful.

But then…Hm, I still think she’s hot, so I must be hot, too.

Right, then. Done and done. Good work, Brain.

Via E! Online and Hateful Fuckers Everywhere: Amy Schumer Slams Haters After Beach Body Criticism, Says She Looks ”Strong and Healthy”

My name is NO.

Dispatches from the Department of Refusing to Believe an OkCupid Profile is Real…

“Hi there my name is shane i would like to ask you an intriguing and unique idea as long as your an open minded person and don’t mind a thinking outside the box type of idea”

This is not a thing a grown-ass human man wrote. *shaking head* Nope. NOOOPE.

I’m about to go high-five this woman’s vagina.

I was debating what to post today but couldn’t decide. And that was CLEARLY because the Lord Baby Jesus knew I’d see this 5 minutes later and laugh so hard my stomach hurt:

“Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy.”

“This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills.”

“…My uterus just put up a ‘closed forever’ sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet.”

P.S. I am aware I’m a bad person. But some of the comments are so, SO funny.

Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?

Fresh Off the NOPE

First message on OkCupid: “So out of all the people who message you how many would you say are asian?”

*blink* Uh…

It’s FROM an Asian guy, but still, what a strange first question. Am I supposed to respond with a number? That’d be pretty fucked up — I’m pretty sure it’s not cool to track the number of people from any given race who’ve messaged me. Plus, I don’t have time to be racist. It seems exhausting to divvy up my misanthropy into groups.

Also, you probably meant “what percentage.” If I said none of them have been Asian, but I’ve only had three guys message me in total, that’s not really statistically significant.

…Aaand now you’ve just forced me into heckling an Asian person about math. Thanks, now I AM a racist. Dick.

Gonna take it right into my danger zone…

Another fun and informative class at Kink Shoppe with Yvette St. James — toys and apps and lubes, oh my! More classes to come! (Heh.)

Also, many thanks to the Kink staff for filling me in (tee hee) on the features of my next life investment…