First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie… of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: “You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much.”
I’m confused. Why would I think you didn’t mean it? Of course you meant it — you’re trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, “You’re hideous and make my dick soft.”
Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute — that’s why they’re my photos.
Your naked body isn’t bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.
I need. To see. Your FACE.
Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can’t know if I’ll want to kiss your dick if I can’t tell if I’d kiss your face.
Get a face.
P.S. I’m a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I’ll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus — dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.
Smug Singleton 