Graham Slams

I know I’m basically obsessed with Ashley Graham at this point, but… but…

C’mon, y’all, godDAMN.

Notes to self:
— Obtain first bikini
— Go to beach


Semi-approval from a porn fiend’s semi

From the Department of Things Normal People Just Know But I Had to Learn by Having My Day Ruined*: Don’t read online comments, SPECIFICALLY the ones on porn featuring women of a similar size/shape to you.

“Not bad for a chubby chick,” says some 45-year-old serial masturbator in his mother’s basement.

If I ever write a book, I want “Not bad for a chubby chick” to be the review blurb on the cover. Wait, actually…yeah, that’ll be the title.

If I may borrow from a Chris Rock bit: “Yeah, I got a gut — there’s some good pussy under this gut.” Can you say the same about your dick, Rando Calrissian?

* Kidding — my day can’t really be ruined by people who comment on porn.

So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

Looks and books

I just finished reading a book called Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, and the author, Jes Baker, points out that you rarely see “larger” women paired with thinner men in advertising or pop culture. I hadn’t really noticed that before, but…yeah.

Generally, I’m not attracted to men who weigh less than I do. That may well be years of indoctrinated body anxiety, but I don’t want to look like I ATE my Person. Logically I know it’s not true, but I feel like I’d break a thinner man in half — I want a dude who looks like he can TAKE me, even if, again, I understand a thinner man could.

But this? Her? Jonas? HAWT. GET IT, GIRL.
(BTW, a friend recently told me she didn’t know I had Goodreads, so here’s the link if you feel the need to follow me on yet another thing.)

Watch Joe Jonas and Ashley Graham Make Out on the Set of His New Music Video

“Go on, take the money and run.” 

Wait, what? There’s a woman shaped like me on a magazine cover? A fitness magazine cover?

The hell? Is that even legal? Holy shit, is the world ending?

I’d already been feeling fairly decent about my body lately…but THIS?

Damn, I’m an American woman whose self-esteem seems to be hovering around normal — someone better send out a rep from Corporate to shut that shit down.

That’s probably why there are ads inside the magazine, just to remind me that I am, in fact, too big for my britches.

The Berenstain Bears and the Illiterate Cheesemonger

Conundrum: An otherwise fine, fairly attractive man on OkCupid sent me a message, but under the “favorite books” prompt in his profile, he just wrote, “I’m not into books.”

Ordinarily, immediate grounds for dismissal: “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”

BUT…He works with specialty cheeses.

You GUYS. What if he’s a cheeseMONGER?!

To his credit, among other things, his message said, “I’ll start reading one now if it will help.”

Well played, Cheese Guy.

Also, yes, it would help: War and Peace, please. Make it snappy.

This particular cycle just got a little less vicious.

My mother, re: a woman on TV: 
“She shouldn’t even be wearing that dress, because look at it around her chest, it’s pulling.”

Moments later:
“I would never buy that because it has horizontal stripes.”
“Some people like that, Mom.”
“Pfft. Skinny people…”

This is where I came from, you guys. I swear it’s a fucking miracle I can even leave my house.

Thankfully I have better influences now, though, because even in tight-around-my-chest horizontal stripes, my pudgy ass is adorable.