Today someone found this blog by searching “smug nipples.”
I fucking love you people.
“Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?”
“Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.”
I’m impressed with my suddenly seemingly stronger constitution, which did allow me to cry about my hurt feelings every chance I got for 36 hours, but then suddenly it was like, “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Person Who Hurt Me,” and then there were pancakes and a new vibrator and everything was kind of OK again.
P.S. Oh, eat a dick, iPhone. You know good goddamn well what I meant, you judgey whore.
Entirety of a first message from a 21-year-old on OkCupid:
“Well aren’t you pretty!”
Yes, I am.
OK, then. Glad we had this talk.
Great news, you guys — I’m getting married!
His name is Nova, which translated loosely from the Spanish means: “You ain’t gon’ be able to go NOwhere when we’re done.”
We’re registered at Bed Bath & Beyond, but we really only need extra bedsheets and towels, so y’all best hustle to make sure no one snags the good stuff and leaves you stuck with, like, one lone pillow sham.
Oh, and if you could also send the traditional celebration pizza now, that’d be super. I’m STARVING, but I can’t move, and Nova’s not so great in the kitchen. But no matter — he’s my best friend and my soulmate, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. ❤️
Via RawStory: Judge sets aside rape charges for probation so ex-athlete can enjoy ‘a college experience’“Oh, is this the one in Colorado I posted about a few weeks ago?”
Hm. No. OK.
Right, then. An all-new installment:
“He can now look forward to a productive life without being burdened with the stigma of having to register as a sex offender,” said his attorney. “The goal of this sentence was not to impede this individual from graduating high school and to go onto the next step of his life, which is a college experience…We all made mistakes when we were 17, 18, 19 years old, and we shouldn’t be branded for life with a felony offense. Putting this kid in jail for two years would have destroyed this kid’s life.”
Oh, OK…*twitch* How nice for him…
Two women this time, by the way.
Pro tip: Women on dating sites LOVE being commanded by your first message to answer for their entire gender:
“Why is it that a truly interesting opening line such as ‘what were the last 3 books you’ve read’ goes ignored because it sounds like homework, a simple ‘hello’ is frowned upon, and asking someone to share a coffee without weeks of messages is seen as ‘too quick?’ Is there a mixed message command center I am unaware of?”
Well, first, you answered your own first question. Sure, you’re a douchebag for referring to your books question as “truly interesting,” because it’s not. But you’re right — some women might ignore it “because it sounds like homework.” *I* wouldn’t, if you’d just started with that, but instead you went with putting your anger issues right out there on Front St., so…no.
There ya go: Message un-mixed.
P.S. Last three books: Brain on Fire, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, and The Noonday Demon. Now, see, that could in fact, have started a decent conversation, if you hadn’t put the “ass” in “alas.”
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with Instagram.
And then other times…
(@smug_singleton, if you wondered. [You didn’t.])
No, “That Guy” and “Unfunny Ginger Comedian” are NOT among the “people I may know” on your site. They ARE among the “people I’ve slept with.” Maybe start a separate suggestion list? But hey, thanks for making me consider all THAT again in the span of 5 minutes.
At least That Guy and I COULD have been friends if things hadn’t gone all stupid. But “learning experience” be damned, the comedian was just an almost impressively bad life choice. The only memorable things about that “relationship” were learning:
A. That it’s possible for a man to appear bored while I’m naked and riding him. (I HOPE I can chalk that up to his seemingly rampant control issues, but maybe I’m just bad at being on top.)
B. About orgasm denial via his goddamn Jedi mastery of the Hitachi Magic Wand.*
No, really. Thanks a pantload, Facebook.
* I have no idea what kind of dark sorcery y’all summon to determine when we’re on the verge of orgasm, but damn. I salute you. You’re doing God’s work.
When your family is coming to visit and you go around the house to collect all the books you’re reading and hide them in the bedroom, because it’s basically just a list of eight conversations you don’t feel like having today, plus the fact that “you read too much” and “have too many books — ha ha ha, hoarder” has somehow been a truly hilarious running joke for them since your childhood…