“Benjamin is no one’s friend.”

First message on OkCupid:
“You are extremely sexy not
Just saying that ūüĆĻ‚̧ԳŹyou seem very sweet also. I’m Dave can we chat ?:)”
Formatting is important, Dave. That hard return puts a li’l Wayne’s World on your game: “You are extremely sexy. NOT. Just saying that.”

I’m all about fitness — fitness whole dick in my mouth

Super cute OkCupid guy and I have tons in common, but he exercises every day and likes “fit” women.

OK, listen — I am not fit. But I’m pretty sure you could fuck fitness into me. We should try. What if I’m Patient Zero for innovative new science? We could be pioneers!

Tell ya what: Go down on me for 10 minutes today, I’ll go for a run tomorrow. Solid exchange, no? Plus, bonus, the more we repeat this process, the thinner my thighs get, the easier you fit between them. BOOM, everybody wins.

And hey, if it doesn’t work, feel free to ditch my fat ass after a month. I’ll have intimacy anxiety by then, anyway.

“Hippies, hippies…they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play Frisbee!”

Some days all the hippie feely stuff I follow on Facebook makes me feel better.

And then some days it’s like, “Hey, you know what, Special Snowflake? Shut the fuck up with your groovy bullshit.”


Putting the “me” in “meme”

I’m sure you’ve seen quite enough of this on your Facebook feeds this week, so I hate to add to the bullshit. But the combination of characters I thought of made me laugh.

“Describe yourself in three fictional characters…”

BeFunky Collage.jpg

I wouldn’t be allowed in Hot Sundae. But I could totally EAT a hot sundae.

I told a coworker I couldn’t run a mile if I tried, and she said, “Really? You look like you’re in shape.”

“Nooope. I’m SHAPED fine [as fuuuuuck*], but I am not IN shape.”

* [/ego trip]

Wow. How are you still single? OH, WAIT…

A series of OkCupid messages from a man, ostensibly introducing himself…

1:00 p.m.: “Hello”
1:02 p.m.: “My profile is empty cuz I just signed on today.. and I rather talk and get to know better thru convo like normal people do… Not just read a profile that I can write anything to make more people pay attention … But rather be honest and talk to someone like people do.. not robots”
1:41 p.m.: “Guess I’m just too pretty…”

Um…or maybe I have a job. Maybe¬†I’m carefully crafting a clever yet sexy response to your irresistible approach. Maybe that fifth ellipsis¬†turned me on so much that I had to go tend to this situation¬†in¬†my panties. OR maybe just generally I have more important¬†things to do¬†with¬†40¬†minutes.

Do you feel as entitled to everything as you do to a reply? If we end up dating and I don’t text you back within 40¬†minutes, are you going to keep texting until I do?

And¬†has being a passive-aggressive bitch-baby ever worked? Has a¬†woman ever said, “OMG, ha ha, ‘too pretty,’ so funny, I MUST suck your cock this instant”?

How are you still single, bro? Lemme jump right on that.