“Benjamin is no one’s friend.”

First message on OkCupid:
“You are extremely sexy not
Just saying that 🌹❤️you seem very sweet also. I’m Dave can we chat ?:)”
Formatting is important, Dave. That hard return puts a li’l Wayne’s World on your game: “You are extremely sexy. NOT. Just saying that.”

I’m all about fitness — fitness whole dick in my mouth

Super cute OkCupid guy and I have tons in common, but he exercises every day and likes “fit” women.

OK, listen — I am not fit. But I’m pretty sure you could fuck fitness into me. We should try. What if I’m Patient Zero for innovative new science? We could be pioneers!

Tell ya what: Go down on me for 10 minutes today, I’ll go for a run tomorrow. Solid exchange, no? Plus, bonus, the more we repeat this process, the thinner my thighs get, the easier you fit between them. BOOM, everybody wins.

And hey, if it doesn’t work, feel free to ditch my fat ass after a month. I’ll have intimacy anxiety by then, anyway.

“Hippies, hippies…they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play Frisbee!”

Some days all the hippie feely stuff I follow on Facebook makes me feel better.

And then some days it’s like, “Hey, you know what, Special Snowflake? Shut the fuck up with your groovy bullshit.”


Putting the “me” in “meme”

I’m sure you’ve seen quite enough of this on your Facebook feeds this week, so I hate to add to the bullshit. But the combination of characters I thought of made me laugh.

“Describe yourself in three fictional characters…”

BeFunky Collage.jpg

I wouldn’t be allowed in Hot Sundae. But I could totally EAT a hot sundae.

I told a coworker I couldn’t run a mile if I tried, and she said, “Really? You look like you’re in shape.”

“Nooope. I’m SHAPED fine [as fuuuuuck*], but I am not IN shape.”

* [/ego trip]