Pfft. Whatever, Monday — I had sex yesterday. So don’t even TRY to come for me; I already came.
Fourth date today, y’all.
Here’s to my interest in someone finally lasting longer than my manicure.
During a text conversation evaluating the things we like best about being naked together, New Person told me I’m “a wizard with [my] tongue.”
So…yeah. Sending in my Hogwarts application today.
Also: “Weeeeee are the champions, my friiieeeennnnnds…”
P.S. Don’t care if he’s exaggerating to feed my ego. I am a Dick Wizard.
I wore a new bra to work today and I keep getting distracted by my own boobs.
“Oh, hey! How’d y’all get up there?!”
Texting a friend:
Me: “I just turned down paid overtime work for this weekend in favor of sex and ice cream. #priorities”
Friend: “Those are the clearest priorities I’ve ever imagined.”
Texting with friends…
Friend 1: “You know it was a productive therapy session when you immediately get cheese fries afterwards.”
Friend 2: “Nice. I’m going tonight as well.”
Me: “Ha, I’m going tomorrow.”
Friend 1: “Awwwww…we’re on the same therapy cycle.”
Friend 2: “That feels more important than syncing our periods.”
Me: “He texted and told me he could still smell my perfume on his pillow and I melted like a little bitch.”
Friend: “Of course you melted. That’s fucking baller.”
No one ever mentions the benefits of mild anxiety, like the fact that *I* am absolutely NOT being irrational, but MAN, this daffy bitch in the dark recesses of my brain, tho, amirite?!
For those of you playing the home game:
I might get to have sex tomorrow, so obviously my brain has picked today to have a total goddamn meltdown and decide that everything about my physical appearance is disgusting.
Whatever, bitch. You know he doesn’t care about a pimple — you wouldn’t want to sleep with him if he did. And he’s already seen you naked and still opted to invite you back.
We are getting laid if the opportunity presents itself, so get your judgy ass on board.
“What about all that other stuff I’m telling you, how he’s probably already over any real attraction but is smart enough not to say so to a woman who’s so clearly willing to sleep with him?”
Nope. Don’t care. Maybe he’ll fuck the Crazy out of you, and if that doesn’t work, that’s why we pay a therapist.