Indeed I have…

I’m glad you like your women sick, ’cause I just threw up a little…

Woke up to this first OkCupid message, so if you need me, I’ll be taking 47 boiling hot showers trying to get the douche off me.

And then, apparently, joining ALLLLLL the gyms.

Victoria’s Secret is that she’ll stab you

Achievement unlocked: Took off bra while driving.

Fucking disloyal underwire. 🖕🏼 

In this case, Tragedy + Time = Still Tragic

‪🙂😀😆😂🤣😯😦😭😭😭‬

Via Reductress: How to Wrap Your Pussy in Foil and Put It In The Fridge Since No One’s Eating It.

Evolving goals

New life plan: Open my own therapy practice and call it Why You’re Like This.

Not tonight, Pervy McGee.

First OkCupid message:

I actually don’t think a man ever has reacted my voice. I’m sure they’ve reacted to things I’ve said, but that’s because I’m a wanton harlot, not because of my voice.

Again, though, thanks for the heads up about your mini-fetish. As someone who is also aurally fixated, I respect it. But you’re creepy about it, and you used emojis, and…no.

This feels like I’m being catfished by some pervy Ursula.

Puffy the Fried Food Slayer

‪I need to start keeping better track of my menstrual cycle so I can at least see some reason in being a puffy, disgusting cheese monster.🧀👹🔪

Dammit. There goes my soulmate…

I saw this in a man’s OkCupid profile, and… Is this a big enough issue for men that y’all need to disclaim it away up front?

Are there women out there all, “Get you a man who’s been in a gang/jail and has no job?”

But hey, good on you, sir — establishing your boundaries and managing my expectations. Ahem…I guess…

Profane in the membrane

My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”

Well, first off, fuck you.

But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!

Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.

Hi, I just got pet-named by a door.

First message on OkCupid:

A. I have a name, and it is not “babe.”
B. Maybe don’t refer to my appearance in any way when YOUR photo is of…I’m guessing a door?