Brazzeriously?

Top 5 Cars I’m Never Getting Into…

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A-OK DTF!

One more thing about these tests they’re doing…

I’m not WORRIED, but I AM happy they’re checking things out, because I only had sex twice with Guy I Dated For a Minute, and both times it hurt. Only for a second, only upon his first entry, and not enough that I had to stop, but it hurt.

And, not to be an asshole (well, maybe a little bit), but it wasn’t a size issue. I mean, it wasn’t SMALL, it was a very fine penile offering, but it wasn’t like, “Oh, shit, better brace myself.”

Obviously there are approximately 6 million perfectly logical non-serious-health-issue reasons it might have hurt, but it’ll be nice to have an all-clear on anything big.

P.S. Oh, and they HAVE cleared me! I got an email while I was writing this. One small ovarian cyst, which usually resolve on their own, but nothing else. Good work, body! (Also, no STIs or other plagues, so I am officially DTF.)

It’s like my vagina took the SAT

I’m at the classy suburban branch of Penn Medicine, and the white trash in me is SO tempted to walk in and be like, “‘Sup. I’m here ass early in the morning to have you invade my vagina with technology.”

Regular ultrasound to see my beautifully barren womb ✔️
Vaginal ultrasound to double check for any other invaders ✔️

The gel they put on the wand was so cold it was like being fingered by a rocket pop, and it’s never great to have something inside you that you didn’t invite in (vaginal vampire?), but nothing terrible.

I realize I’m being pretty cavalier about what IS actually a test to check for big scary issues, but a) the initial biopsy they took came back fine so I’m pretty sure I’M fine, and b) I have no other mental setting than equating Very Serious tests to being fingered by a rocket pop.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was unaware

A Facebook friend posted about how silly she was for being eager to get her period when she was around 11, and her male friend said, “Yeah, for men it’s shaving — when we were kids, we couldn’t wait to grow facial hair, but it’s such a hassle.”

Oh. Oh, honey…

*clasps hands*

Putting aside the non-visible symptoms of menstruation — bloating, cramps, irritability, etc…

What, pray, happens if you don’t shave for a week? You get fuzzier, no? Perhaps you get a little squirrely, maybe you need a trim?

But I’m gonna GUESS that if you just ignore that “hassle” for a week, and take no action whatsoever, you can probably still be seen in public.

Lemme just TRY to ignore my period for a week, to take no action, and go to work. Or on a date. Grocery shopping. The gym. Does that sound like a LITTLE more of a “hassle?”

Your wanton erections are probably a closer comparison. Or maybe if once a week your dick just leaked ejaculate for 5-10 days straight? Or, you know, if it just…bled?

Run along, sir. You’re needed at the Faulty Metaphor Factory.

Discreet skeet

I got a first OkCupid message from a man whose only profile photo is a fairly sizable, at-attention penis constrained by thin white cotton underwear.

The only part of his profile he bothered filling out was the “My self-summary,” under which he wrote only, “Discrete.”

*sigh* “Discreet,” sweetie. You’re looking for “discreet.”

“Discrete” is math. Don’t be math.

I guess if I’m allowing for there to be blood in his brain as well as in his penis, “discrete” can also mean “individually separate and distinct,” and its synonyms are “detached, unattached, disconnected.”

So maybe that IS the word he was looking for. In which case, well played, fellow commitment-phobe.

And hey, also? Way to grow a dick. Kudos, you should be proud of that thing.

But…nah, I’ll pass. If I put that in me, I’ll be rendered incapable of discretion no matter how you spell it. Probably best you don’t awaken that beast.