“Wait…that’s not normal…?”

I swear my brain hurt so much less before I realized how weird my family is.

Frankly I blame my friends. Fuckin’ Normies.

If he also made pie, I’ll marry him.

I’m not 100% sure about this guy I’m about to message on OkCupid. If I’m being totally honest, he might be too smart and too chill for my silly, hyper ass.

But in his profile photo, he’s pouring shredded cheese into small, hollowed-out pumpkins to make individual fondue pots, and… well, people, my needs are simple.

Wait, this DOESN’T get you positive feedback?!

While I was on vacation I got a message from this OkCupid gem.

He seems nice.

OkCreepy…

Oh, OK, this isn’t fucking weird at all.

Photo 1: My iPhone’s wallpaper. 

Photo 2: The main profile photo of a dude who just messaged me on OkCupid. 

Maybe she should’ve added some knock-knock jokes?

“I’m just sayin’, this audiobook about sexual assault didn’t have enough laughs for me. And MAN, she talked SO much about sexual assault! What about the GOOD things in life, huh?!”

What the unwieldy hell?

(Hunger, if you wondered.)

There can only be one.

Wait… just ONE?

Do I have to choose which one? That seems harsh — “Sorry, Righty. I’ll pray for you.”

I have questions.

Well. There’s my answer…

I’ll be moving to a new apartment in a couple months, and my therapist asked if I’d want her to refer me to someone closer to the new place.

1. Now I think my therapist wants to get rid of me.

2. I said, “I don’t know, unless you think I don’t even NEED to be in therapy…?” and she raised her eyebrow damn near off her head, and I laughed, and she laughed, and so… yeah. Guess I’m gonna keep going.

Take my money. Take it hard.

Via Bust magazine: This Lingerie Campaign Proves That ‘Our Bodies Are Beautiful At Every Angle’

This is all true and factual science. *nod*

Text to friends, based entirely in fact and science:

“They put me on the pill and said I could start it whenever, so I did, but I think my body was already preparing its regular PMS festivities, and when I added bonus hormones I fucked up its groove, because now I hate goddamn everything except you guys and Egg McMuffins.”

A fine day for texting at Smug HQ

The Cute Dog Guy from OkCupid DID in fact send me a series of adorable dog (not dong) pics, AND a video of a dog frolicking on the banks of a lake.

So of course I reported back to my Friends Focus Group…