Twitter Jesus is looking out for me.

“What about a giant, glowy ghost dildo? Do you need a giant, glowy ghost dildo?”

Apt.

Discounted snacks v. discounted dating

It probably speaks volumes about my romantic future that today I received email coupons from both OkCupid and Grubhub, and deleted the OKC one without reading it, but hopped on that Grubhub shit like white on rice. (Especially since I used it to order Indian food, so literal white rice is forthcoming. As is my true soulmate, paneer.)

Schrodinger’s Awkward

I’ve been invited to another gathering (New Year’s Day) where I may or may not run into Guy I Dated for a Minute.

This is, like…Schrodinger’s Awkward.

I wrote a quick email essentially saying, “We cool?” It’s probably unnecessary — I’d like to think we’re both adults and could exist in the same room for a few hours. But…fuck it, I am a child, and I need to know. I’m terrible at uncertainty.

EDIT: He replied, said we were “definitely friends” and that he wouldn’t be at the New Year’s party. *nod* Cool. Done and done.

Thera-PLEASE

My therapist asked me to list five good things about myself. I came up with three, and two were things a friend had told me recently, so the therapist said they only count as one.

Now I have to think of other nice things, because I don’t want to be a person who can’t say nice things about themselves.

Fine. FINE! 🙄

(I’m not asking for compliments, BTW. Apparently I have to choose them myself, because I’m, like…supposed to actually BELIEVE them? I know, right? It’s absurd. Don’t ever go to therapy. It’s dumb, they want you to…ugh, LIKE yourself, and not just lazily write yourself off as “broken.” Pfft. Gross.)

Weird new interpretation of “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”

I thought about buying this shirt to wear on Christmas, but then I realized my nipples would be Santa’s eyes, and…nah.

Dude…NO.

Maybe 2 years ago I deleted a college classmate from Facebook because we’d never really talked other than that time he man-splained cell phone plans to me. I get enough of that shit from the men (and women) in my family, thanks. Boy, bye.

I think today is the…third (fourth?) time since then he’s sent me a new friend request. And once there was a direct message asking where I’d gone.

The first few times I denied his request, I felt kinda mean, because “It’s just Facebook,” but now…nah. I feel pretty OK about this choice. And about blocking him so he can’t do it again.

Sick Singleton

I was going to say it sucks being sick when you’re single, because I want someone to bring me fuzzy socks and juice, but then I realized anyone I’d date would probably be at work right now. So I think I just need a monkey butler.

Oh, good. I didn’t doom humanity.

This guy wrote me back, so don’t worry, my dating preferences didn’t just doom the future. (Not that the future’s lookin’ all that rosy, anyway, but at least *I* didn’t break it by hitting on a Muppet enthusiast.)

Kermit Kismet

About an hour ago I sent a guy a first OkCupid message, and this is one of those times I feel like, if he doesn’t write back, he’s just screwing up the natural order of things.

Like, “Hi. You’re cute, and your profile pic is you with a Kermit on your shoulder. We have to at least be friends. Like, NOW. Write me back before some ‘Butterfly Effect’ shit happens.”