Um, HI. Know your role.

I had FaceTime therapy this morning because technology is wonderful, but now I have to, like…think about things? Like, what I…want from my life? Specifically re: relationships.

Um, isn’t that what I pay YOU for? You have a degree in Life. I have a degree in radio journalism. You tell me what to do, I announce it in the fancy news voice that belies my shitty Philly accent.

Get on that jawn, yo. I’ll be over here eating Brownie Brittle for breakfast. Report back.

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Patience is a virtue, but a finite one.

One day my filter will fail and I will not be able stop myself from asking another full-grown adult, likely a coworker, “How the FUCK do you not fall down more often?”

Not today, motherfucker.

BOY, BYE. ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿผ

The other day my mother told me she thinks he should be acquitted, because “It was the ’70s, that was just what happened.”

MY MOTHER.

But also, this particular conviction was for some 2004 shit, so you can fuck right the hell off, MOM. (I seriously might call her.)

I’d rather be fat than dumb.

An acquaintance posted on Facebook that a bad stretch of depression had caused her to gain back weight she’d lost, and some cheery fitness fucker commented “Awe, you can do it again with exercising and eatting healthier again! Itโ€™s mind over matter. Everything in moderation. Tell yourself you can do it! ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘”

OK, obviously I don’t know your life, but also? Blow me a little.

Who doesn’t know about diet and exercise IN THEORY? Everyone KNOWS about it, bitch — you ain’t droppin’ science. Don’t talk to her like she’s an idiot like she doesn’t already feel bad enough. Ass.

And it’s not “mind over matter” if your mind is what’s telling you cake will fix things, and guess what, cake DOES fix things.

Finally, UGH, the “Awe” instead of “Aw” — I think we can all agree those people can’t be trusted.

As always, Shonda Rhimes said it best…

Establishing my average cost per issue (CPI)

I spent the day with some family, and just went to text their latest gossip to my sister. But then my brain went, “You really wanna start THAT conversation? Remember, insurance hasn’t started supplementing therapy costs yet.”

Good call, Brain.

This is actually a handy system, minding my mental efforts according to how much it’s going to cost me to fix the anticipated outcome.

Speaking of, who’s proud of me for lying to my stepdad’s face when he asked how my car’s been running? ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿป

You said “avoidance” like it’s a BAD thing…

I went to therapy last night, and only just now realized I completely forgot to bring up the thing I’d been meaning to discuss, and we ended up on some other bullshit entirely.
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Me: “Well, if I forgot, it must not have been THAT important.”
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Also Me: “Or you’re becoming an expert in avoiding uncomfortable topics.”
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First Me: “You can fuck right the hell off. That is an undervalued life skill!”
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๐Ÿ™„
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I’ll make a note for next time.