The Life-Changing Magic of Squirting in the Supermarket

This is a man’s answer to one of the sex questions on OkCupid, and I want to write to him solely to ask what the WRONG moment/conditions would be.

Outside of “during sex,” when/where else do you think I’m doing that? Do you think I can just do it spontaneously, like…in the supermarket? Because a) I can’t, but also b) Yeah, I can see how people might frown on that. That’s pretty rude, plus it fucks up your pants for the rest of the day.

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“Girl, look at that body…”

Yesterday I wore skinny pants, except I’m NOT skinny, and then I had Chinese food, and then I got puffy, aaand now I have this…fat-rash above my belly button where my tummy was trying to escape my belt.

Honestly, I don’t even know how y’all deal with how sexy I am.

Achieving Emotional Stability Through Toast

I have family time later, so I ordered coffee and green juice with my breakfast. Might also grab some form of protein shake beforehand.

#EmotionalCrosstraining
#BasicallyRocky
#PerfectlyRational
#NotTodaySatan

You can just fuck right the hell off, actually.

This was Facebook’s suggested post for me today, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m-a go find me a window to jump out of. Not because I’m dying alone, I’m fine with that, but because this bullshit exists.

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