Curtains, camo, cake, and Crazy Eyes.

I texted a guy’s dating profile photo to a friend…

Her: “Hard pass. The curtains. I can’t get past the curtains.”

Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even notice the curtains! They got lost behind the camo, the cake, and the Crazy Eyes!”

Her: “I’d like to give him props for making that cake, but that’s a Shoprite liner. He didn’t make that shit.”

I’m not posting the whole photo here because I’m not a COMPLETE asshole, but here are the offending curtains, and a bit of the camo.

NB: I am complete shit at home decor, so I’m not judging anyone’s style — I don’t even HAVE curtains. But I do have very mild OCD, and that mismatch would drive me batshit insane.

Fuck it, I should just get fatter.

I understand “non-scale victories” and other standard things people say here, but also…The number on my scale is not moving, and now I just want to eat only manicotti because fuck it, my efforts are meaningless and human bodies are stupid.

Thank you for attending my TED Talk.

Get your dickets now!

Man, Facebook’s algorithms are really getting good at zeroing in on my interests. #AllStarCock #BrotherlyLoveIndeed

I win at athleting.

My Fitbit finally hit 10,000 steps in a day…as I was on my way back up to my apartment after retrieving my 9 p.m. dinner delivery from the pizza place.

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

Does throwing shade count as cardio?

Current mood: “Oh, this cheery bitch can kiss the fattest part of my ass.”

So yeah, my exercise program is going well.

What about “blow-me”-friendly makeup?

*cough* blow me *cough*

“Your Honor, please allow me to explain…”

I mean…we gotta kill this guy, right? I don’t WANT to, but I’m not really seeing any alternative.

SWM seeks unicorn

1. This Match profile has SO many layers of weird.

2. Can’t imagine why dude is divorced.

I am nothing if not formal and proper…

BRB, changing all my dating profile pics…

Gimme

Friday night I signed up for Bumble. Late Saturday night I sent messages to eight entire men. Today I’m staring at the phone waiting for the guy who looks like a more reserved Pete Holmes to write me back, because damn, dude, HIGH TIDE.

(If you haven’t heard the Holmes bit, the high tide is in my pants.) 🌊