Y’all. Y’aaaaaalllll…
I hadn’t planned to post again, but I went back to Match after the last post, aaand… I don’t goddamn remember the clever blog pseudonym I gave this dude while we were dating, but we dated, and it didn’t end well, and since that end (which was…2014? 15?*), he has:
1. Left a Christmas gift on my doorstep while I wasn’t home. It was maybe June and I’d told him repeatedly since Christmas that I didn’t feel right accepting the gift, because HI. BREAKUP.
2. Texted and Facebook messaged just to say hey. (I ignored him every time.)
3. Made me realize I have, like, six boundaries and, in the month we dated, he’d disrespected them all.
Oh, and I later realized he’s kind of a racist. Not, like, a Klan racist — he wasn’t motivated enough to attend meetings — but one of those hometownie racists that only tells the racist jokes to white people because he thinks the white people are with him.
So. Obviously when I went back to Match, GUESS WHO HAD LIKED MY PROFILE.
What, from the bottom of my heart, THE FUCK?
I’m gonna go throw my phone in a river.
* EDIT: I just went back in WordPress and found out it was actually 2013. Jesus Christ.
Smug Singleton 
That sounds like a very specific – and utterly shite – cicada.
Well, cicadas probably also don’t know what podcasts are, they definitely don’t respect boundaries, AND are creepy as fuck, so yeah, that tracks. He is now Cicada Man. *nod*
You do me honor. This shall be my claim to fame and glory. Let it be written in the annals of human history. Alternatively, ‘Cicada Man’ spray-painted on a public wall (12 Monkeys-style) will also do just fine.