#goals

“I rarely see children. I’ve organized my life in such a way, I never have to talk to or be around a child.”

— Bill Maher (sorry)

Show your work here, Netflix.

Um…

Hey, Netflix?

🙋🏻‍♀️

I outsmarted therapy.

How to Stump Your Therapist:

“I know thinking everything is pointless is a symptom of depression, but…five days a week, I leave a perfectly valid internet connection at my house to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour and drive to a *different* internet connection in a cubicle. I email files back and forth for 8 hours and then drive home, also in traffic, to return to my original internet connection. I’m pretty sure if you looked up the word ‘pointless,’ that would at LEAST be a secondary definition.”

And I’m not depressed currently, but Christ, that is depressing.

That’s probably not what they meant…

Oh, trust — my mother inspires nearly ALL my gin consumption. #ginspiration

Jesus just cockblocked my lazy day

I took a couple days off, trying to alleviate some work burnout, and put myself on the waitlist for a popular class at my gym tonight. I figured if I got in, that was Jesus telling me to get off my ass and leave the house, and if not, clearly He’d prefer I stay home and watch comedy shows.

They just emailed me that I got in, and godDAMMIT, Jesus! This is why I’m not religious!

Ugh. FINE. I’ll do something “They” claim is good for mental health — fucking hippies tryna thwart the part of my brain that’s perfectly content being fat and depressed, thankyouverymuch. 🙄

I am somehow equally hungry and turned on.

The hero we goddamn DESERVE

I heard fan boys got pouty, so I had to do my part to ensure the lady hero gets her (well deserved) OBSCENE opening weekend total.

Sisterhood ✔️

Mercury in retrofuck

Y’all. Y’aaaaaalllll…

I hadn’t planned to post again, but I went back to Match after the last post, aaand… I don’t goddamn remember the clever blog pseudonym I gave this dude while we were dating, but we dated, and it didn’t end well, and since that end (which was…2014? 15?*), he has:

1. Left a Christmas gift on my doorstep while I wasn’t home. It was maybe June and I’d told him repeatedly since Christmas that I didn’t feel right accepting the gift, because HI. BREAKUP.

2. Texted and Facebook messaged just to say hey. (I ignored him every time.)

3. Made me realize I have, like, six boundaries and, in the month we dated, he’d disrespected them all.

Oh, and I later realized he’s kind of a racist. Not, like, a Klan racist — he wasn’t motivated enough to attend meetings — but one of those hometownie racists that only tells the racist jokes to white people because he thinks the white people are with him.

So. Obviously when I went back to Match, GUESS WHO HAD LIKED MY PROFILE.

What, from the bottom of my heart, THE FUCK?

I’m gonna go throw my phone in a river.

* EDIT: I just went back in WordPress and found out it was actually 2013. Jesus Christ.

I’m no geography buff, buuut…

Sorry, man. I can’t date anyone who doesn’t know where they live.

I think what you’re looking for in a username is “NotPhillyNotEvenTheSameState,” but I guess I can see where that would get unwieldy.

Nope. No. This is not what’s going to happen.

I’ve been in a fight with my brain and frankly it’s winning, including skipping the gym all week and a triumphant return to feelings-eating that’s left me no longer able to see the changes in my body exercise had achieved.

But fuck you, Brain — I’m smarter than you. Nice people are delivering me healthy food so I’m prepared for Philly’s forthcoming bullshit snowstorm. So if you insist on staying indoors, that’s fine. But you are gonna drink weird fruit smoothies and do SOME form of exercise and have a goddamn productive day, and you are going to LIKE IT. And tomorrow you’re talking to the therapist.

Asshole.