This is your brain on drugs.

I feel bad for people who won’t even TRY mental health drugs because they “don’t want to rely on them.”

Well, no, no one WANTS to, but you rely on Lipitor for your cholesterol, right? Maybe a blood pressure med?

Sometimes your body doesn’t give you the things you need, or gives you too much, because your body is an asshole. If I take a Wellbutrin every day and feel LESS like there’s no point in getting out of bed when it’s raining? I’ll call that a win.

This kinda hit home because it’s a blood relative who gets anxiety attacks if they’re around too many people, which…hi… 🙋🏻‍♀️

Whatever, man — maybe I DO rely on my drugs, but I also no longer break down in Target stores, so…again, win.

Baby Got Backfat

I love how they’re making cuter plus-size swimsuits, but can you cut it out with the string-held open backs? Baby got back fat, bro — those strings would disappear into the trenches.

This should be the next #VisitPhilly campaign.

I went to check in at my hair salon on Facebook, and I had not previously been aware of the nearby options, but this sounds like the itinerary for an excellent day.

(The middle one is a Mexican restaurant.)

Oreos and Cookware and Dildos, oh my!

Yes, because clearly I don’t get overstimulated ENOUGH in Target already…

Target Is Now Selling Vibrators in Stores

Mmm, cheesy cognitive dissonance…

It’s unsettling to be simultaneously upset about your weight and also 100% sure that eating an irresponsible quantity of nachos is the only thing that’s going to make you feel better.

“Whatever, sea cow…”

Therapist: “So how’s it going with your body image as far as your vacation and trying on swimsuits?”

Me: “I mean, it is what it is. I can’t change much in 2 weeks, so…this is my body, I’m gonna go have fun.”

Therapist: “That sounds like a very healthy perspective. Good for you.”

Later, while trying on shorts…

Me: “Cool, so I’m basically a manatee.”

Aaand now I need more therapy. 🙄

Same. So very very same.

Pizza understands

Hippie wisdom: “Just listen to your body, it’ll tell you what it needs.”

Me: “Mm’kay. Body, what do you need?”

Body: “I need to order a large pizza, eat one full slice, then eat just the cheese off the rest.”

Me: [blink] “Um… Hey, hippies? I don’t know if the fat broad can be trusted…”

Oh, fuuuck YOU…

I’m shopping online for hiking shoes, which are apparently a thing I need for my goddamn VACATION? Fucking nature people. 🙄

Anyway. Guess which hiking shoe I’m NOT buying?

Fuck you, you fucking “fashionable for ladies” fuckface. I don’t give a flying fuck if my fucking shoes are fucking fashionable!

…OK, fine, I totally care, but that’s not the MAIN thing I’m looking for. ASS. How ’bout you take your fashionable shoes for a hike up to Shut Fuck Mountain, jackass?

Hard pass.

I had therapy this morning, and was made to discuss my feelings, and because of this personal assault, I must unfortunately decline to participate in Monday.