I’m just saying, my standards are skewed.

Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”

Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”

Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?

(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂

Cognitive dissonance runs in the family.

My mother: “You really should watch your weight — too much salt and sugar will kill you.”

 

Also my mother: “Here’s a link to a bunch of pumpkin-flavored shit on sale at Williams Sonoma.”

 

👍🏼

I’ll only be able to write about tampons and Lifetime movies.

Well, thank heaven for this distinction. I’d hate to sully your manly journals with my silly lady thoughts.

You might want to think about emblazoning a dick and balls right on the front cover, just to be 100% safe.

I’m surprised they even allow the idea that men could write in a journal. But y’all definitely write only about MANLY things — sports, cars, power tools, World War II, The Shawshank Redemption, and barbecue.

“I just have a lot of feelings…”

I take the pill in a way that allows me to skip my period. But every so often my body just decides to spot until I let it happen, so I am, and now I’m about to cry at 10 a.m., and OH RIGHT, this is why I don’t DO THIS SHIT.

Definitely not connecting these dots…

I mean, I GUESS these items could somehow be related…if I really thought hard about it…

“Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.”

So, hey, ever get depressed about your weight and just think “Fuck it” and order a pizza AND cheese fries?

Ahem… Yeah, me, neither. I was just asking. Fucking ridiculous, right? What kind of dipshit-ass fake adult would do something THAT stupid…? *cough*