No-K-Cupid

They changed OkCupid’s messaging, so I often don’t see first messages for a few weeks. Today I encountered this one.

There a few different directions it could be headed. I’m curious, but not so much that I’ll reply just to find out.

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OK, now you’re just being a dick.

This seems like a perfectly rational response to a Facebook post by my fit, attractive local meteorologists.

But seriously, 9 miles? On your DINNER BREAK?! Go fuck yourselves. You ain’t right. Do you not KNOW about tacos?

The Life-Changing Magic of Squirting in the Supermarket

This is a man’s answer to one of the sex questions on OkCupid, and I want to write to him solely to ask what the WRONG moment/conditions would be.

Outside of “during sex,” when/where else do you think I’m doing that? Do you think I can just do it spontaneously, like…in the supermarket? Because a) I can’t, but also b) Yeah, I can see how people might frown on that. That’s pretty rude, plus it fucks up your pants for the rest of the day.

“Girl, look at that body…”

Yesterday I wore skinny pants, except I’m NOT skinny, and then I had Chinese food, and then I got puffy, aaand now I have this…fat-rash above my belly button where my tummy was trying to escape my belt.

Honestly, I don’t even know how y’all deal with how sexy I am.