Yay, women! And also nipples!

I took a bit of a…vacation. We’ll call it a vacation.

And I was waiting for just the right time to come back to blogging, and lo, the Universe bestowed upon me this priceless bit of ad placement in a “Cosmopolitan” article titled “The 20 Best Moments for Women in 2014.”

Yay, women! And also nipples!

Go home, 2013, no one likes you.

Happy New Year’s Eve, all. Be safe in your festivities. Cheers to you, for you are awesome. I love y’all. (Well, except YOU, because you’d make it weird.)

And hey, 2013? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Onward!

The Year of Terrible Life Choices

I’ve been looking at life all wrong. I was going to stay single for the rest of 2013, try to get my head right.

Upon further reflection, I think it’s best to just embrace 2013 as the year of Terrible Life Choices and start fresh on January 1.

(I realize calendar years are entirely arbitrary, and today could be the first day of the rest of my life, and whatever the fuck. But I think it’s clear I have no concept of logic. Hence, Smug 2014!)

Auld Bang Syne

Friend: “You should go on a date with Edward.”
Me: “Nah, I’m gonna try to finish this year without dating — less risk of discovering I suddenly, viciously hate anyone else after I’ve slept with them. Seems like a good general life policy.”

Five more months of sexual deprivation should make for a very happy New Year’s date for whomever is around, though. (There’s a “ball drop” joke here somewhere, but I’m kind of tired.)