“Thin-spiration” doesn’t work on me. 

Headline: “Khloe Kardashian’s abs are the inspiration you need to make it to the gym today.” 


Um… no. No, they’re not.

Also? Fuck you. MY abs are the inspiration you need to make dough. So they’re WAY better. 

I looked at the photo, and I still don’t want to go to the gym. I am inspired to go home and make nachos. So there.

Fun with Facebook Fitness “Facts”

20140711-103349-38029796.jpgUm, false. Well, I guess it’s true in that every man I’ve ever loved has, in fact, HAD abdominal muscles somewhere on his person. But I don’t have a six-pack, so I’d be kind of an asshole if I expected my mate to have one. I have a six-pack of, like…single-serve vanilla puddings.

Do I want to lick Christian Bale? Certainly. Do I love him? No.

P.S. Can I lick Christian Bale? Please? Can he be wearing only a utility belt and the Batman mask while I do it? (Don’t judge me.)

Gotta get dirty to get clean!

Aside

So… The idea behind “washboard abs” is that I rub myself all over him and get clean, right?

Because I’m suddenly feeling very, VERY dirty. (In the best possible way.)

(Yes, I know he’s gay, and married. And? “My special gift has always been impossible relationships.”)20140423-133520.jpg