Bend Him Like Beckham

I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”

Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.

Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.

Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.

* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.

#cocky #literally

Zero to Snooki in 3.5…

A guy on OKCupid emailed me and said he was surprised to find a “culturally aware, well-read woman” from my hometown.

At first I wasn’t sure what to do with that. Uh…thanks for the…”compliment…?”

I decided it reeked of pretension and ignored him. But the subsequent swearing in my head had a Jersey accent.

(One of the reasons I started hating New Lad was because he talked shit on my hometown. ‘Ey. Fuck you. You’re a Mets fan, man, go fuck yourself.)

We have a bit of a Snooki situation here…

Sometimes I think I’d like a close friend to come with me when I visit my family, to witness the madness and assure me I didn’t inherit alllllll the Crazy. (Or at least that I didn’t inherit the accent.) I like to think the friendships I’ve chosen have balanced out the bag of mixed nuts that is my DNA, as well as muddled my accent a bit so it’s not as noticeable.

But more often I’m scared shitless they’ll just say, “Oh, this explains SO much! No wonder you’re so tightly wound and sound like Jersey Shore!”