Do I have time for a breast reduction before vacation?

I ordered swimsuits online so I could try them on and suffer privately, and perhaps call my therapist.

And I love knowing before I even open it that my breast is not fitting in there.

That’s adorable, though. You tried.

In which my appearance is validated by the denizens of OkCupid

Email from OkCupid, subject: “Smug, You are Hot!”

“Hey Smug, We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working! To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience: You’ll see more attractive people in your results. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people. Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.”

A few things…

  1. Pfft. Duh. I’m adorable.
  2. Also, they send that to everyone.
  3. And if they DON’T send it to everyone, why the HELL were you not showing me attractive people before? Did I really have to gather a certain number of profile “likes” before you declassified me as an Ugly? So now, what, you’ll skip the white supremacists offering me anal and start sending me…cuter white supremacists offering me anal?
  4. There’s been no change whatsoever in my matches. Some attractive to me, some not so attractive to me, and that’s…sort of how life works.

Eat a dick, Mom — they don’t have carbs!

I am, by all appearances, a fully functional adult and a contributing member of society.

Until my mother invites me to like “The Belly Fit Club” on Facebook. Then I’m 12 years old being told my burgeoning lady-gut is “just baby fat”… but also that I should avoid sugar and carbs.

Whatever, lady. I’m adorable. Belly fat and all.