Age ain’t nothin’ but an insult.

First OkCupid message from a 26-year-old: “Well you seem like a great person to get to know. But i know you might think about it because of my age but if you know most older guys act like little kids and well i am more mature and i do like older women”

Does anyone want to be called an “older woman?” This is not flattering to me. I’m not geriatric, you little shit. I’m not eating cheesecake with Blanche and Dorothy out on the lanai. (Though that’d be amazing and IS my retirement plan.)

My profile specifies no one under 35 — twice. Clearly he saw that. But obviously what you want supersedes what I want.

Capitalize your fucking “i”s and get off my lawn.

My vagina is like a nightclub — you’re gonna get carded.

I got an OkCupid message from an 18-year-old, asking if I’d be down for something “casual and fun” with someone “young and willing” such as himself.

That is some serious To Catch a Predator bullshit right there, and I am not falling for it — I don’t even like iced tea.

He added that it wouldn’t offend him if I said no. That’s a relief, because I was totally going to fuck a child so I wouldn’t risk offending him. Thank God he gave me permission to say no.

Hollaback Curls

Pop quiz: I’m getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. At what age do we think dyeing it pink looks a little midlife-crisis-y?

A. Pink?! Who are you, late-’90s Gwen Stefani? That shit is passé. (And quite possibly also bananas.)
B. Your age (41). It becomes sad at your age.
C. Wow, your mother really fucked you up about age as a limitation, didn’t she?
D. I mean…it’s your call, but good luck getting that job you applied for.
E. Age doesn’t mean anything, do whatever you want.*
*By the way, this is what I’m doing. If I wake up tomorrow and feel like my hair should be pink, then pink it shall be. I was just curious about perceptions.

The limit DOES exist.

I realize I’m ageist, but I think there’s an age limit for using the term “friends with benefits.” I haven’t pinpointed the specifics, but I think it’s before age 50.

I’m 40 and only say it jokingly. I also hate it, because at least half the people offering it want ONLY the benefits, but think they’ll have better luck with the LADIES if they dress it up with a cute little bow.

Theory: You can’t say “FWB” once you’re getting mail from the AARP. That’s…the rules of abbreviations.

Also, I don’t know if anyone said that phrase before Alanis Morissette, but that’s not what she meant, shitheel.

This reflection brought to you by a 54-year-old man on OkCupid, username “Just_Discreet_FWB,” sending me three messages in less than 24 hours, either not remembering or not caring that he’s messaged me twice before. I am clearly memorable. Either that or he’s just old and can’t keep track.

P.S. I’m not hating on 54. I’d get on 54. But THIS 54-year-old has the ick on him.

Forever 32

Me: “I’m almost 40, I think I have a handle on that.”

Younger Friend: “I always forget you’re almost 40. You’re, like, forever 32 in my brain.”

Me: “And this is why we’ll always be friends.”

(This is probably a sign of my immaturity, but shhh!)

Age ain’t nothin’ but a gross overgeneralization.

Me: “That guy? He’s really cute, but he’s, like, 12.”
Friend: “He’s gotta be in his late 20s.”
Me: “Yeah, that’s what I said. He’s 12.”

Putting the “ho” in Hostess

I love the commercials for OurTime.com, because there are 50-something women saying, “It was so nice to meet a man who wasn’t looking for a 35-year-old.”

You guys, I’m 35. I’m the old people’s Twinkie. YES!