In this issue: 10 new and exciting ways to feel bad about yourself! 

I got this in the mail today and immediately checked to make sure my subscription expires soon, because there is nothing about their redesign that doesn’t make me feel old as fuck.

You get your bullshit font RIGHT the hell off my lawn! *shakes fist* Hmph — YOUTHS!

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The limit DOES exist.

I realize I’m ageist, but I think there’s an age limit for using the term “friends with benefits.” I haven’t pinpointed the specifics, but I think it’s before age 50.

I’m 40 and only say it jokingly. I also hate it, because at least half the people offering it want ONLY the benefits, but think they’ll have better luck with the LADIES if they dress it up with a cute little bow.

Theory: You can’t say “FWB” once you’re getting mail from the AARP. That’s…the rules of abbreviations.

Also, I don’t know if anyone said that phrase before Alanis Morissette, but that’s not what she meant, shitheel.

This reflection brought to you by a 54-year-old man on OkCupid, username “Just_Discreet_FWB,” sending me three messages in less than 24 hours, either not remembering or not caring that he’s messaged me twice before. I am clearly memorable. Either that or he’s just old and can’t keep track.

P.S. I’m not hating on 54. I’d get on 54. But THIS 54-year-old has the ick on him.