In this issue: 10 new and exciting ways to feel bad about yourself! 

I got this in the mail today and immediately checked to make sure my subscription expires soon, because there is nothing about their redesign that doesn’t make me feel old as fuck.

You get your bullshit font RIGHT the hell off my lawn! *shakes fist* Hmph — YOUTHS!

Age ain’t nothin’ but an insult.

First OkCupid message from a 26-year-old: “Well you seem like a great person to get to know. But i know you might think about it because of my age but if you know most older guys act like little kids and well i am more mature and i do like older women”

Does anyone want to be called an “older woman?” This is not flattering to me. I’m not geriatric, you little shit. I’m not eating cheesecake with Blanche and Dorothy out on the lanai. (Though that’d be amazing and IS my retirement plan.)

My profile specifies no one under 35 — twice. Clearly he saw that. But¬†obviously what you want supersedes what I want.

Capitalize your fucking “i”s and get off my lawn.

Conceal. Don’t feel.

I look forward to the level of self-assurance/not giving a fuck of the older woman I just saw. Thirty years ago, she likely had a chest larger than my D cup. And today, she embraced her inner Elsa and just let it go — strapless cotton sundress, no bra.

I’m not even hating. Bless your heart, honey, you’ve earned it.