Letting my fat flag fly

Perhaps Iโ€™m a little too irritable to start an audiobook about the connection between obesity and clutter…

Also, I swear itโ€™s a joke โ€” I know we already have QUITE enough bloated, size-queeny, too-fat-to-function patriotism.

iTherapy

I just had therapy via FaceTime, sitting in bed, still in pajamas, with bedhead, no bra, and fuzzy socks, because America is amazing.

I won’t do it often, because I think my discomfort at being trapped in an office with a psyche ninja helps me share, but it’s a nice option to have.

Just one day of asshole amnesty

I don’t do the “America, fuck yeah!” post, and I don’t do “Where I was on 9/11,” because no one cares where I was. It’s even more narcissistic than “thoughts and prayers” — “I mean, yeah, thousands died, but here’s what *I* was doing!” 

I realize even doing THIS is self-centered.
But I take today as an opportunity to let the people I love know I appreciate them, so… Hey, guys. I appreciate you. Thanks for following my silliness. ๐Ÿ’•

Here’s hoping you don’t encounter any dumbass online anger or terrible people today. Hug someone cool.

And hey, if you’re a dick and I don’t realize because I don’t know you, maybe take the day off and don’t be a dick? Try it, see how it goes. You can always go back to dick tomorrow. (Wait, no…not what I meant…)

You did the fuck NOT.

SANJOSEVia The Guardian: San Jose Mercury News says sorry for ‘insensitive’ Simone Manuel headline.

You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.

I stand corrected. (And agape.)

“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!

It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…became the first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”

*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps! 

Just…REALLY?

Bend Him Like Beckham

I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”

Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.

Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.

Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.

* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.

#cocky #literally

Masturbation for my nation.

I’m watching Creed, but it’s hard to hear over my copious masturbation whenever I see Michael B. Jordan with his shirt off. I have such a lady boner for my country right now. He probably has patriotism in his pants. UNF — let freedom RING, y’all. ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ 

P.S. Hey, I grew up on that street! Or “shtreet,” I suppose, in keeping with the parlance of my people. #RespectTheJawn #EastCoastSwang

This is America. Medicate me.

I’m on medications to even out my mood, give me an attention span, prevent OkCupid babies, and control my heinous allergies.

There are, what, 4,000 erectile dysfunction drugs now?

I think there’s one for a particular form of exhaustion you get from shift work.

They debated putting me on a drug that fixes ADHD and binge eating disorder, which… damn, I still want that drug.

So, really, you can’t create a drug that will make me feel LESS like my period might actually kill me? One that keeps me from waking up weeping for no reason? (OK, there was a reason, but not a logical one.) Could you, like, get on that, Science? Or could I just get sent to the edge of the village or whatever?

I know there’s stuff they can finagle for PMDD. I’m mostly kidding.

Related: the weather in Philly right now can kiss my dick. I checked the forecast and it just said, “Your mood is fucked until Sunday.” That’s what I saw, anyway. It’s possible it just said it’ll be cloudy and rainy.

Make America Masturbate Again

Sometimes you’re in a bad emotional place.

But then your friend who works at the adult boutique texts you to report that a man wearing a Trump t-shirt bought a giant, veiny dildo, and suddenly everything else seems pretty insignificant by comparison.

P.S. If you wondered, the toy IS made in America. Because America’s ALREADY fucking great. (Literally, apparently.)