Fat-armed and dangerous

I’ll give my self-hatred credit: sometimes it gets really good with specifics.

I put on a sleeveless shirt, because whoo hoo, nearing 80 degrees in Philly today! Suck it, seasonal depression!

But then I got a gander at my upper arms, and… Jesus Christ, can you get arm lipo? I bet you can. I should look into that. Arm lipo sounds much easier than hoisting my fat ass off the couch, popping in a Shaun T DVD and actually, um, WORKING on it. Pfft. This IS America, isn’t it? Suck out my fat and then give me a snack.

Joking. FINE. I’ll do a pushup. FINE.

P.S. If I could do those pushups on TOP of Shaun T, I’d be far more enthused. I know, I know — he’s gay, and married. Like I’d have a shot if he weren’t. LET ME DREAM, people.

Pretty Pretty Patriot/Freedom Hair

I feel guilty and shallow about how much it’s changed my life to learn I can pop into a Hair Cuttery at lunchtime, give a nice lady $20, and she will wash my raggedy hair, take the 9 hours necessary to blowdry it all, and make it way prettier than I ever do.

But it IS pretty goddamn delightful. Good work, America. (FUCK, YEAH!)

Introducing the new 2016 Chevy Hypocrite…

I don’t get into politics here, or anywhere, really, because political discourse makes me anxious, even when I agree. But I saw this earlier on a truck in front of me at a red light, and I need to swear about it, and it’s not actually about POLITICS, per se — it’s about misrepresented patriotism, and I think my bewildered inquiries are funny. So…disclaimed enough?

Right then.  

In case the photo is too blurry, it reads: “In Loving Memory of USA, July 4, 1776 – Nov. 4, 2008. R.I.P.”

I have questions.

So, if your candidate of choice gets elected next year, does America get resurrected? Are we a zombie? Are we Jesus? OMFG, are we Zombie Jesus?

Once Obama is out, do we start all over with calendars, like a BC/AD changeover? BO/AO?

Why and how did the country die, EXACTLY? Pull over, let’s chat. I really want to hear you to articulate it.

And if we ARE dead, how are YOU still here? Reverse rapture? Shouldn’t you be in a Kimmy-Schmidt-style bunker somewhere, eating freeze-dried jerky and waiting out this supposed apocalypse? 

If you really think the election of some dude you don’t agree with is reason to MOURN AMERICA, then you clearly don’t think as much of your country as you’re purporting to. There’s not one of these fuckers who could get elected that would compel me to put that dumbass shit on my car.

See also: go fuck yourself, and the depreciated resale value of your stupid car. Which, by the way, was a fucking CHEVY, which, according to your theory, as an American-made car, would’ve died in ’08 as well (ahem, especially without an auto bailout…) so maybe go get a Hyundai if you’re gonna weep for America, shitdick. (Or, hell, at least a Ford.)

It’s 7 a.m. Have you considered the moral messages in “Grease 2?”

Woke up all jazzed because, “Whoo-hoo, last day before a 3-day weekend! America! ‘Let’s do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue!'”

But then, “…Huh. Actually, Louis was kind of a dick who didn’t respect Sharon saying ‘no’ and wanting to wait. That whole thing was pretty gross. Fuck you, Louis. I’m glad you never got laid.”

So, you know…typical Thursday morning.

Auntie AmericAnne’s

OK, I don’t really enjoy malls, but if it’s where you insist on keeping my hormonal Bat-Signal… 

 And yes, I absolutely dipped those little buttery bastards in additional cheese sauce. LIKE AN AMERICAN.

Re-blog: 7 Incredibly Inventive Names For Masturbation To Use ASAP

May is National Masturbation Month, so get on it, patriots, and call it something cute. ‪#‎murrica‬

Via Huffington Post: 7 Incredibly Inventive Names For Masturbation To Use ASAP 


But Barbie doesn’t even HAVE a vagina…

I hope to be gainfully employed and in a new apartment soon, and to that end, I’ve started sorting through my stuff, trying to pare down as much as possible beforehand while I have the time. (Plus I’m just bored as shit.)
This led to the discovery of this back-in-the-day Barbie doll, and this discussion with a friend:

Me: “I can’t be the only person who finds this immensely inappropriate. Why is Barbie doing that?”

Friend: “Whatever that ring thing is looks distressingly like forceps — it’s like she’s the world’s most excited gynecological patient. ‘Inspect my vagina! USA! USA! USA!'”

P.S. Yep, Caldor, y’all. We rolled fancy back in the day.

“America! FUCK, yeah!” indeed.

I just learned that today is International Day of the Female Orgasm.

Right, then. Someone FedEx me a well-endowed Spaniard so we can form a lovely United Nations of Nudity. I am all about fostering amicable international relations. I’ll do it for my country, my country wants me to.

Olé, people.