So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

WordPress is watching you. 

WordPress is kind enough to track the search terms that lead people to my page.

Here are a few:

  • “Miranda Lambert slutty” (If by “slutty,” you mean “fabulous.”)
  • “Kerry Washington receiving oral sex” (I wish I didn’t want to see this, but I’d totally watch for at least a few minutes.)
  • “Anal smug” (Nooope.)
  • “americanwomanfuck” (Yes, please.)
  • “woman on top sex positions” (yes, please, pretty please?)
  • “glad I don’t have balls” (Always.)
  • “Netflix and chill pajamas” (THAT’S THE DREAM!)

I love you all, you depraved bastards.

NCAADD — So many balls…

Things I realize while lost in a Bermuda Triangle of Internet porn: I do not have the attention span for a 16-man gang-bang. That’s just too many dicks. It looks like a lot of work.

Plus, I don’t do anal, and my jaw got tired at the dentist the other day, so I’m pretty sure I’d be the world’s worst gang-bang participant. At least 10 of those penises would end up disappointed — probably more. AND, from the men’s side of things, a friend observes, “I think I’d get bored waiting my turn with my dick just waving in the breeze.” Exactly. This situation benefits no one.

By the way, don’t judge me — it’s research! I saw the title and thought, “16 men?! How would that even work?”


“Oh… Oh, wow, OK. Not for me, but good for you, girl, get yours. You’re like the NCAA of dick.” Because… “Sweet 16,” get it? Bwah ha ha.

Oh, OH! OR, Needful Cock-Absorbing Adult. Tee hee. Sorry, I’m way too excited to have made a sports analogy… Ahem — ANALogy. OK, really, I’m done now.

Crisis averted?

Oh. Well, as it turns out, Valentine’s Day WON’T be just me and a vibrator. Interesting…

You guys have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. (Well… Have anal sex if that’s what you like. But for fuck’s sake, don’t go see “Endless Love.” That’s pretty much all I won’t do.)

I love y’all. đź’•

Let the rejection begin!

I manned up and sent a friendly note to a guy on OkCupid. Even if we just hang out as friends, I have to know him. He makes cheesecake.

Here’s hoping he doesn’t come back with romantic overtures of anal sex in exchange for said cheesecake. I only do that for soufflĂ©.