That’s not where the coffee goes, sir.

Overheard older business-y man in Starbucks: “It’s always personal on the back end.”

Jesus. I would HOPE so.

So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

WordPress is watching you.

WordPress is kind enough to track the search terms that lead people to my page.

Here are a few:

• “Miranda Lambert slutty” (If by “slutty,” you mean “fabulous.”)
• “Kerry Washington receiving oral sex” (I wish I didn’t want to see this, but I’d totally watch for at least a few minutes.)
• “Anal smug” (Nooope.)
• “americanwomanfuck” (Yes, please.)
• “woman on top sex positions” (yes, please, pretty please?)
• “glad I don’t have balls” (Always.)
• “Netflix and chill pajamas” (THAT’S THE DREAM!)

I love you all, you depraved bastards.

We already knew I was going to hell…

Quotable: “He’s a good Christian boy, so he won’t come home with me. Well, unless I’m willing to do anal.”

NCAADD — So many balls…

Things I realize while lost in a Bermuda Triangle of Internet porn: I do not have the attention span for a 16-man gang-bang. That’s just too many dicks. It looks like a lot of work.

Plus, I don’t do anal, and my jaw got tired at the dentist the other day, so I’m pretty sure I’d be the world’s worst gang-bang participant. At least 10 of those penises would end up disappointed — probably more. AND, from the men’s side of things, a friend observes, “I think I’d get bored waiting my turn with my dick just waving in the breeze.” Exactly. This situation benefits no one.

By the way, don’t judge me — it’s research! I saw the title and thought, “16 men?! How would that even work?”

*click*

“Oh… Oh, wow, OK. Not for me, but good for you, girl, get yours. You’re like the NCAA of dick.” Because… “Sweet 16,” get it? Bwah ha ha.

Oh, OH! OR, Needful Cock-Absorbing Adult. Tee hee. Sorry, I’m way too excited to have made a sports analogy… Ahem — ANALogy. OK, really, I’m done now.

Crisis averted?

Oh. Well, as it turns out, Valentine’s Day WON’T be just me and a vibrator. Interesting…

You guys have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. (Well… Have anal sex if that’s what you like. But for fuck’s sake, don’t go see “Endless Love.” That’s pretty much all I won’t do.)

I love y’all. 💕

Let the rejection begin!

I manned up and sent a friendly note to a guy on OkCupid. Even if we just hang out as friends, I have to know him. He makes cheesecake.

Here’s hoping he doesn’t come back with romantic overtures of anal sex in exchange for said cheesecake. I only do that for soufflé.

Love doesn’t live anywhere near my ass.

In which American Eagle equates true love with ass play…

Gradations of anal.

In conversation with friends:

Friend #1: “You either do anal or you don’t. It’s not a sliding scale.”

Me and Friend #2, in unison: “Bwah ha ha ha.”

Friend #1: “…Goddammit.”