“That’s right, Christy. Keep telling yourself that.”

I sincerely hope I never spoke about my ex (or about anyone, really) the way I hear some women talk about their husbands. (I am 99.9% sure I didn’t, even when we broke up.)

Jesus Christ, I get that you need to vent sometimes, but it’s like you never talk to THEM. You must be saving it all for me, because alllllll you do is bitch. And let me tell you, listening to it is an absolute TREAT.

Do you love this person? Do you even LIKE him? You really need to buffer by mentioning some of the nice things, because you’re either married to a complete fucking jag, or you’re just an ungrateful asshole who can’t see what he does for you. And honestly, having met both people in the relationship, it’s really a tossup.

Going to the mattresses. Take that as you will…

Sure, OK. I’m at work, hopped up on coffee, haven’t eaten yet, hormonal, feeling other pressures about family and money issues…

This seems like a great time to argue with a male friend over email. That GOOD argue, too — the kind where you’re shaking with anger and feel like, if you were arguing in person, it might end up either in a fistfight or fornication.

Why the fuck not?

By the way, dude is fine, I’m the crazed one: What? WHAT? I wish a motherfucker WOULD say some shit.

P.S. What? Oh, it’s just me that has this issue? Well, shit…