Ladies and gentlemen, my soulmate…

First OkCupid message from a man without a profile pic: “hi i am greg lets have dinner”

OMG! Greg! Absolutely, let me accept this invitation from a faceless man! Despite the fact that if you read my profile even a little, you’d see me say I’m sure as fuck not meeting a stranger without messaging and texting until I feel comfortable doing so. Especially one without a face.

Good work, Greg. In fact, forget about dinner — let’s move in together and have 14 babies right now. Do you want, like, a scripty font on the wedding invitations? I always think those are hard to read, so I think we should probably go with something a little more simple, right? I know Times Roman is basic, but I’m SUCH a sucker for it.

And, listen, my flowers are going to be dark purple with pops of white, so make sure the accents on your tux coordinate, OK, sweetie? Luuuv youuu.

File under “No, Hell.”

Today’s OKCupid winner: The entire text of his first message to me was “sexy curves” (Just like that, no caps or punctuation.)

A) Pfft. I know.

B) Are you fucking serious?

Well, OK, then, Cupid.

I signed up for OkCupid the other night on a lark, figuring I could get some free blog material. (Example: One of the body types you can choose is “used up?!” Are you fucking serious?)

But I didn’t want to really DO it, so I didn’t add photos — who’s going to initiate contact without knowing what I look like?

Oh. Well, some dude, that’s who — I got a message this morning.

Pfft. I’m amazing. (Or he’s desperate. But I’m sticking with “amazing.”)