Down, girl

So, um… Apparently something at work is turning me on. A lot.

Hey there, Vagina. You haven’t worked with anyone who prompts this reaction in quite some time. There’s no one to ride here — quit it.

It has been a while, so maybe my body is just demanding attention: “Hey. Hey. Hey. You’re all set for moisture. Insert device here.”

Stephen Colbert can report from my pants

I am so aroused by this that I’m blushing while watching it at work. I’m actually uncomfortable and a little squirmy.

Shut up.

Colbert doesn’t get involved until about 3:10, but Jesus God, he’s, like, gasping and breathing heavy and I might need to go take care of a few things…with a mop…

Judging by my reaction to hearing it through headphones, if he got breathy even remotely near my ear in person, I would lose my goddamn mind. #truthiness

It’s alive! Alive!!!

Continuing a theme…

While a friend was visiting today, she showed me how the new vibrator works — turns out I was using the wrong power button, so the moral of the story is that I can’t even turn on a battery-operated dick.

(I’m done with the theme now, I think. I’m cute as hell, I just thought all this was funny.)

“Ask not what lube can do for YOU…”

A friend of mine works at a sex shop, which sometimes leads to entertaining email conversations:

Friend #1: “I am so sick of people coming in looking for a lube that ‘turns her on right away’ or a lube for oral sex. It’s your job to turn her on. She’s not a car, it’s going to take time and effort. Do it right and stop being a schmuck and I bet she’ll be ready and willing. As for oral sex, dick is an acquired taste — acquire the taste. Same goes for pussy. Flavored lube is gross. Grow up and deal with it. I don’t know what you’re asking me for when you talk about a ‘cream for oral sex.’ Do you mean whipped cream? That’s in your local grocery store. Otherwise…I’m clueless.”

Friend #2: “Maybe they mean an edible, relatively pleasant tasting lube? That kind of makes sense, for finishing a handjob or switching from a toy to some oral. But to mask the taste of dick? I don’t know…Include some ice cream or fro-yo — a treat for both of you. But it’s still going to taste like dick. And lube that ‘turns women on?’ That’s called not being a jackass.”

Me: “I read this and genuinely didn’t know what to say, because I was so confused as to how people can be that dumb but still free to procreate. I just…I got nothin’. I won’t even eat flavored Cheerios, so making a guy’s dick taste like pie is really not going to improve the experience, which, by the way, is ALREADY MAGNIFICENT.”

The last person I was super into just had to LOOK at me right and I was wetter than a log flume at Six Flags — I would’ve let that man do anything to me, and he would’ve been damn happy with the mutual result. Other people, maybe not so much the immediate log flume, but I’d tell them, or they’d learn, the spots they could hit that turned me from lovely, gracious lady into a willing and extremely able penile vestibule, and we’d use the lube when needed. With the exception of medical problems, this doesn’t need to be THAT big an issue between healthy adults who are able to discuss what works, and who also have Internet access. Figure shit out. Prep your person. Get some lube — not the kind that tastes like Bubble Yum.

Ask not what lube can do for YOU, my friends. Ask what you can do for lube.

Hair Smuttery

I don’t know how men manage to get haircuts without getting visibly aroused. I got mine cut today, and noticed I get minor ladywood when someone — man or woman — repeatedly runs their hands through my hair or tugs it a bit. It all feels really lovely in the biblical sense.

Men must be walking around the Hair Cuttery at half-staff.

Holy shit… Is THAT why they make those haircut capes so long?! Well played, styling industry. Well played.