I am legit staring at this man’s face in his OkCupid profile, trying to decide if I’m physically attracted to him.
I don’t think I am, but he lives in goddamn Delaware, anyway. *shaking fist at geography*
I’m at least sending him a “we need to be friends” message.
I met a guy last weekend, and IN MY HEAD, we’ve already been dating (and sleeping together — frequently) for a week.
So…I guess I should probably, like…SAY something to him ever.
He’s a friend of a friend. I’ve ascertained that he’s single and straight. And when I asked, my friend said she’d been hoping I would because she “thought it’d be a good match.”
Now I just need to figure out what the hell is going on in MY head to make sure I don’t end up being totally weird to a friend of a friend…again. Last time this happened, I slept with the dude way too soon, then realized we had nothing in common and ended up pulling The Fadeaway on him.
I’ve spent so much time “not being ready” that I don’t know if I AM ready, or if it’s just my vagina that’s ready, all, “SINGLE DICK AHOY!”
SO. My next therapy appointment isn’t until NEXT week, eh? Mm’kay. That…that’s fine…
Email to a male coworker: “I almost feel bad every time they bring a new male employee in, because my eyes automatically check his left hand for a wedding ring. But I DON’T feel bad, because at least I check.”
Then again, when I tell my other friend a man is married, he always asks, “Well, sure, but…happily?” But investigating that involves too many potential emotional landmines for me.
Another male coworker is married and just had a kid, and a female coworker (also married) told me earlier she thinks he’s “so sexy.” And I agree, I want to nibble his lower tummy — don’t judge me, that’s what comes to mind. And this woman said, “I’m married, not dead.” Damn straight, lady. Respect. Dude is STUPID good-looking — like, I don’t even understand how he’s walking among us mere mortals.
And there’s another guy who’s SO cute, and he has NO idea. Like, I met him and expected him to be a total pretty-boy douche, but he’s super nice. (And also probably below my age bracket, but… I mean, there are always exceptions… “And when I clock black hair, blue eyes, I drift off, I fantasize…”)
I can’t stand first messages on OkCupid that only say, “Pretty.”
You obviously think I’m pretty. The subtext of every online dating message is, “Hello. I find you attractive enough that I’d like to apply my penis to you in some way.” You could’ve shouted “pretty” from a moving car — it’s an online catcall. What else ya got?
Similarly, messages that just say “hey” or “hi.” What am I supposed to do with that? You may as well have just grunted at me.
I don’t have many dealbreakers, but the ability to construct a half-decent sentence is a big one. In the past 5 years I’ve known three men I could’ve easily dated and gotten naked with for at least a year. The only thing they had in common was that they were quick-witted, smart, and good conversationalists, which made them IMMENSELY sexy. (OK, fine — they were also all adept at fingering.) I don’t need a writer, I don’t need flawless grammar. But I’m turned on by words, and men who use them, especially behind a keyboard, where you have time to craft. So I’m not settling for “hey.”
Addendum: As I was writing this post, a first message came in that said, “Hey baby. Mmm” — sweet merciful shit, are you kidding me? I AM A LADY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Um, no, YOU’RE taking a former coworker’s LinkedIn post looking for a new job as an opportunity to lure him and his giant hands into your office, OR just to give him your phone number.
I met him at my last job, shook his hand, and immediately wanted to have sex with him. He’s literally the only person I’ve known on sight I wanted to sleep with — normally it starts with, “I can work with your face and body” and gets more/less intense with conversation. This guy, I don’t even care if he has a personality, as long as those hands do things to me.
This may or may not be influenced by the fact that my libido has been on absolute CRACK for the past 5 days. I think I need an actual person, one with weight, so he can, um…get the job done correctly. Silicone’s just not working for me anymore.
I don’t THINK he’s married, but it’s been about 18 months since I’ve seen him, so who knows. He has my number now, though, so he can do with it, and me, whatever he wants.
OK, FINE, OkCupid! Jeez, I stand corrected: In the past hour, you’ve brought me two cute, seemingly literate men who have liked my profile and sent first messages.
And when I say “cute,” I mean “cute” in the way of, um…stirrings.
Not “You’re cute and maybe we’ll get to know each other and you’ll get cuter.” It’s a, “Hey. You’re hot and formed sentences, one of which said I’m funny. Come remedy this situation that seems to be developing in my pants.”
“Hey Smug, We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working! To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience: You’ll see more attractive people in your results. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people. Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.”
A few things…
Pfft. Duh. I’m adorable.
Also, they send that to everyone.
And if they DON’T send it to everyone, why the HELL were you not showing me attractive people before? Did I really have to gather a certain number of profile “likes” before you declassified me as an Ugly? So now, what, you’ll skip the white supremacists offering me anal and start sending me…cuter white supremacists offering me anal?
There’s been no change whatsoever in my matches. Some attractive to me, some not so attractive to me, and that’s…sort of how life works.