I’d like to thank the Internet for helping me narrow my self-diagnosis to either: a harmless cyst that will go away on its own; a staph infection; or a tumor.
Very helpful, Google, thank you.
It’s a cyst. Probably.
But if I die of staph-infected tumor, it’s been fun, guys. Remember, “Baby Got Back” at the funeral, and make sure the obituary spells it “staphylocockus.” #ClassyAsFuck
Ahem. I’ll just leave this here…
Men Are Totally Hardwired by Evolution to Prefer Curvy Women, Study Finds
BTW, I have nothing against thin women. We are all lovely — sisterhood, rah rah, etc. I just enjoy the notion that BEING chubby CAUSES chubbies, that it’s part of evolution. That’s delightful. Good work, Science!
Also, I mean… I do like big butts. I cannot lie.
It kinda sucks that, according to this article, I’m wasting perfectly good childbearing hips by not procreating, but I’m kind of OK with that.
#datass
This probably doesn’t help my friends’ perceptions of me as an uptight, convent-raised prude. But I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get up on stage at the symphony and shake my ass around, Mix-a-Lot notwithstanding.
Sir Mix-a-Lot Takes ‘Baby Got Back’ Classical With Seattle Symphony
I guess it would be a great story: “OMG, Becky, remember that time we rolled up on stage at the orchestra and pseudo-twerked our flat, rhythmless asses for the amusement of a one-hit wonder from the ’90s?* Totes YOLO, amirite? Totes.”
Ugh. You’re at the SYMPHONY, not a goddamn bachelorette party at the Jersey shore. (Also, that girl DEFINITELY Cabbage Patched. Oh, honey…)
I think I’m just bitter that I ain’t gotta motor in the backa my Honda. His anaconda wouldn’t want none.
* “Put ‘Em on the Glass” was not a HIT. How dare you?
Smug Singleton 