I’d like to thank the Internet for helping me narrow my self-diagnosis to either: a harmless cyst that will go away on its own; a staph infection; or a tumor.

Very helpful, Google, thank you.

It’s a cyst. Probably.

But if I die of staph-infected tumor, it’s been fun, guys. Remember, “Baby Got Back” at the funeral, and make sure the obituary spells it “staphylocockus.” #ClassyAsFuck

“An itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face…”

Ahem. I’ll just leave this here… 

Men Are Totally Hardwired by Evolution to Prefer Curvy Women, Study Finds

BTW, I have nothing against thin women. We are all lovely — sisterhood, rah rah, etc. I just enjoy the notion that BEING chubby CAUSES chubbies, that it’s part of evolution. That’s delightful. Good work, Science!

Also, I mean… I do like big butts. I cannot lie.

It kinda sucks that, according to this article, I’m wasting perfectly good childbearing hips by not procreating, but I’m kind of OK with that.


The culmination of years of bitterness about having a flat ass…


This probably doesn’t help my friends’ perceptions of me as an uptight, convent-raised prude. But I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get up on stage at the symphony and shake my ass around, Mix-a-Lot notwithstanding.

Sir Mix-a-Lot Takes ‘Baby Got Back’ Classical With Seattle Symphony

I guess it would be a great story: “OMG, Becky, remember that time we rolled up on stage at the orchestra and pseudo-twerked our flat, rhythmless asses for the amusement of a one-hit wonder from the ’90s?* Totes YOLO, amirite? Totes.”

Ugh. You’re at the SYMPHONY, not a goddamn bachelorette party at the Jersey shore. (Also, that girl DEFINITELY Cabbage Patched. Oh, honey…)

I think I’m just bitter that I ain’t gotta motor in the backa my Honda. His anaconda wouldn’t want none.

* “Put ‘Em on the Glass” was not a HIT. How dare you?