This guy invented the Department of “Are You Fucking Serious?”

Just as a matter of policy, if your first OKCupid message to me says simply, “Hello sticky buns,” you will never be the reason my buns are sticky.

Also? No punctuation. I think I’m actually more offended by that, but I guess it’s all part of The Complete Goddamn Pig starter set. (Gold chains and mommy issues sold separately.)

Wait… Unless he HAS actual sticky buns? Maybe he meant, “Hello. Sticky buns?” like as an offering. You’d be surprised how many things I can overlook when plied with baked goods. That glaze moistens more than just doughnuts.

You are what you eat. I eat muffin tops. Shit…

Ugh. If I keep substituting baked goods for sex, it’s going to become a permanent (and very sorry) state of affairs.

Handily, tomorrow starts a shiny new month, which pleases my OCD, and I just borrowed T25 from a friend. Let’s do this, Shaun T.

Muffin-Free May!

Sometimes a macaron is just a macaron.

I love that it’s perfectly normal for my ladies’ night conversations to progress naturally to me saying to the guy running the French bakery: “Speaking of Freud, may I please have that macaron with the goo in the middle?”